Coffee Klatch

Here are some strategies to confuse trick-or-treaters next week:

1. PARTY TIME
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

2. TIME TO FIX IT
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

3. SO WHO’S PAYING FOR IT
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

4. MARINE STYLE
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

5. THE WAITER:
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the entrée menu.

6. THE DENTIST
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

7. THE PILGRIM
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…. Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE…
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION…
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL…
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC…
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT…
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY…
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS…
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM…
“Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA…
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER…
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY…
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE…
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION…
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY…
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

And my all time favorite thing — JUSTICE…
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU. THEN you’ll see what it’s like.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section of his spread through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of his bull.

On the way to the courthouse, the attorney cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take just half of what he was asking, in cash.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the money, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success….

“You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won this case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. And the worst part is I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand.”

The old rancher chuckled. “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a mite worried about winning that case myself, because durned if that ole bull didn’t come moseyin’ back home this morning.”

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 2001. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A~Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Here are some tips on how to write a term paper. Geared primarily, I think, toward college students.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I really mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that ~~

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the TV Guide to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV (like Monday Night Football).

NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler’s Tour
b) Any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn’t watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your computer. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied: “You’re right. I’m sorry! It’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years”.

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What’s Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you’re like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.

Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know that the Plan’s Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can’t Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today’s most dedicated and highly-trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Hiking or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.

You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Gossiping
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Joshing
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Ribbing
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our website. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier knowing all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What’s Appropriate for Me?

We do. Isn’t that what friends are for?

I found a new game yesterday (launched less than a month ago) that has already got me hooked. It’s another MMORPG that’s free and is made by the same people who do Tribal Wars. It’s called The West and in it you role-play a character from the Old West, do jobs, go on quests, fight duels, found and build towns, etc., increasing in experience levels and skills. Depending on what type of character you choose, you can focus on craftsman work, military, trapping, banditry, etc.

Here’s a list of the character classes you can choose from (once you reach level 10):

Adventurer
Trapper, Wanderer, Indian, Prospector

Dueler
Bounty Hunter, Gunslinger, Bandit, Hangdog

Worker
Cowboy, Quaker, Craftsman, Mortician

Soldier
Cavalryman, Mexican, Mercenary, Iroquois

And of course you’ve got the typical interaction with other people throughout, since it’s a MMORPG. If you give it a try, look me up when you get there. I’m in World 2 (the only one open right now) and I go by the name Jack Carson.

If you do try the game out, be sure to use the Help info (button on the bottom right of your screen) for all the background info you need to get started. Also, there’s a “The West Tool” that has loads of information like what skills you need for every job (you can sort by many categories),  the quests that are unlocked at different levels, all the clothing available and what skills they improve, and more.

(Note: This game was originally in German, so occasionally you’ll come across words or descriptions that haven’t been translated yet.)

The Accident Report

Gentlemen:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 250 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 250 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 145 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground–and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 45 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

A couple months ago I bought some of the Dark-Chocolate-covered Espresso Beans at Starbucks. It was one of those instances where I didn’t check the price when I grabbed it off the shelf. (What an Impulse Buyer!) When it got rung up, I thought it was a little high, but since I was buying that and a coffee for me and a friend, I didn’t pay too much attention. When I got back to my office (yes, Starbucks is right on campus, just a building away!), I looked and found out it was $8.95! For a big container of chocolate-covered espresso beans! DANG!

So then I had to figure out how much I was getting for that kind of money. I took a sticky note and started making tally marks on it as I ate the beans. Yes, I’d become a Bean Counter!

Turns out that the whole container had 225 dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans. At $8.95, that turns out to $0.04 per bean. With all the dark chocolate that’s on there, that’s really not a bad deal. Figure you’d pay a quarter for six of them–that seems appropriate.  Especially since most people only eat a few at one sitting.

So there you go. And now you know.