Coffee Klatch

As the lawyer woke up after surgery he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn?”

The doctor answered: “There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.”

There were two wicked brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same church and outwardly appeared quite righteous.

Then their priest retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through these two cads, but he also spoke the truth in love, and the parish started to grow.

Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new priest the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At my brother’s funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The priest gave his word, and deposited the check.

At the funeral, the priest spoke passionately. “This was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this vein for some time, he concluded: “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman.

As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes sir, is there something wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”

WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, lad, Taste it.”

WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”

CUSTOMER: “Mmmm, hmm… Taste it.”

WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, Taste it!”

WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”
Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

A drill sergeant had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The kid said, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line.”

For what it’s worth, here are the rules that Mexico has regarding immigration.

1. If you migrate to this county, you must speak the native language.

2. You have to be a professional or an investor. No unskilled workers allowed.

3. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language.

4. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.

5 Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.

6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.

7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

8. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

9. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no badmouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home.

10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

“You Know It’s a Bad Day When…”

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!”

You see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office (and the DA waiting on the phone….)

You wake up face down on the pavement.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only a kiss a yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out with a smile.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her….

“Grandpa pays the bills,” she smiled and winked!

To the roar of the crowd and the grateful cheers of its many users, WordPress 3.0 has arrived! Here’s a video tour of the latest and greatest from WordPress:

Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood.” As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she told them, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”