Coffee Klatch

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”

~ In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

So this guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I will turn back into a beautiful princess and then I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog piped up again and saying, “Hey, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it once again to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Come on… Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I work for a software company. I don’t really have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is way cool!”

For those who’ve wondered about the difference in sizes of mattresses, I’ve posted them here to make them easier for people to find. They’re listed below from smallest to largest.

Mattress Sizes

Crib Size: 28″ x 52″

Twin Size: 39″ x 75″

Long Twin Size: 36″ x 80″

Full Size: 54″ x 75″

Queen Size: 60″ x 80″

King Size: 76″ x 80″

California King Size: 72″ x 84″

Are you looking for something new and interesting to use for your computer’s desktop wallpaper? I found a site today that has loads of free, high-quality images. It’s at VeryVeryFun.com. The search that took me to this site was looking for pictures of places in Europe. There is a very nice collection of Europe HD Wallpapers at this site, as well as lots of images in other categories, too.

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said “No, have a seat.” A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Here are the titles of some rejected children’s books. If you don’t think these are funny, trying saying them out loud. Even better, try saying them out loud to a friend!

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Dogs Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
20. You Were an Accident
21. Things Rich Kids Have, but You Never Will
22. Pop! Goes the Hamster… and Other Great Microwave Games
23. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
24. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
26. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
27. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
28. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
29. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Last night I had a vision about the afterlife and the place of various nationalities in it.  Here is a synopsis of what I remember.

In heaven, the cooks are Italian, the administrators are German, and the police are English.

In hell, the cooks are English, the administrators are Italian, and the police are German.

You might be a Music Theory geek if…

1. Your favorite pickup line is, “What’s your favorite augmented sixth chord?”
2. You can look at a piece by Bach and say, “You know, I think he could have gotten a much better effect this way . . .”
3. You like to march around your room to the rhythms of Stravinsky’s “Le Sacre du Printemps.”
4. You love to quote Walter Piston.
5. You long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.
6. You like polytonal music because, hey, the more keys the merrier.
7. You dream in four parts.
8. You feel the need to end Tchaikovsky’s Pathetique Symphony with a picardy third.
9. You can improvise 16th century counterpoint with no trouble, but you frequently forget how to tie your shoes.
10. You lament the decline of serialism.
11. You enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.
12. You like to deceive your friends and loved ones with deceptive cadences.
13. You only drink fifths, and then you laugh at the pun.
14. Instead of counting sheep, you count sequences.
15. You only sing tunes that make good fugal subjects.
16. You find free counterpoint too liberal.
17. Mussorgsky’s “Hopak” gives you nightmares.
18. You wonder what a “Danish Sixth” would sound like.
19. The Corelli Clash gives you goosebumps.
20. You can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.
21. You have ever done a Schenkerian analysis on “Three Blind Mice.”
22. You have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage’s “4′33″.
23. You have hosted a “Gurrelieder” party.
24. You have ever pondered what an augmented seventh chord would sound like.
25. Bass motion by ascending thirds or a sequential pattern with roots in ascending fifths immediately strikes you as “belabored.”
26. You know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top of your head.
27. You can name ten of Palestrina’s contemporaries.
28. You can answer your phone with a tonal or a real answer.
29. You have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a piece by Berio, Stockhausen, or Boulez.
30. You suspiciously check all the music you hear for dangling sevenths.
31. When you’re feeling particularly prankish, you transpose Mozart arias to locrian mode.
32. You keep a notebook of useful diminutions.
33. Those “parasitic” dissonances make you queasy, especially when left unresolved.
34. You have composed variations on a theme by Anton Webern.
35. You know the difference between a Courante and a Corrente.
36. You have trained your dog to jump through a flaming circle of fifths.
37. You have ever used the word “fortspinnung” in polite conversation.
38. You feel cheated by evaded cadences.
39. You have a poster of Allen Forte in your room.
40. You know who Allen Forte is.
41. Every now and then you like to kick back and play something in hypophrygian mode.
42. You wonder why there aren’t more types of seventh chords.
43. You wish you had twelve fingers.
44. You abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass.
45. You always make sure to invert your counterpoint, just in case.
46. You have ever told a joke that had this punchline: “because it was POLYPHONIC!”
47. You know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.
48. You consider all music written between 1750 and 1920 to be “rather elementary.”
49. You memorize dates and times by what they would sound like in set theory.
50. You can not only identify any one of Bach’s 371 Harmonized Chorales by ear, but you also know on what page it appears in the Riemenschneider edition and how many suspensions it has in the first seven bars.

When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright’s Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?