Coffee Klatch

So I was poking around IMDb the other day and I found out that Oliver Stone is directing a new movie that’s coming out on October 22, 2008. It’s called W. It’s a chronicle of the life and presidency of George W. Bush. Who’da thunkit?

Here are some of the actors that are in the movie, which is currently filming. Quite a few big names, which is sort of surprising given that the movie hasn’t been publicized very well and I can think of lots of people who wouldn’t want to see it anyway.

• George W. Bush - Josh Brolin
• Laura Bush - Elizabeth Banks
• Tony Blair - Ioan Gruffudd
• Dick Cheney - Richard Dreyfuss
• George H.W. Bush - James Cromwell
• Barbara Bush - Ellen Burstyn
• Donald Rumsfeld - Scott Glenn
• Colin Powell - Jeffrey Wright
• Don Evans - Noah Wyle (rumored)
• Saddam Hussein - Sayed Badreya
• Ari Fleischer - Rob Corddry
• Karl Rove - Toby Jones

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, “I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap.” The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, “Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?”

One of my pet peeves is misuse of percentages. When talking about personal effort or certainty or whatever, you can’t have more than 100%, can you? It’s just basic logic. One hundred percent is the most possible. You can’t give 110% because it’s more than it’s possible to give. If you can give more than you used to, it’s either because you weren’t giving 100% before or your capacity has increased. Make sense?

There’s a similar misuse that I really find revolting. People using higher numbers to say that they’re MORE sure of something than the other person. Example: “You’re 100% sure of it? Well, I’m 200% sure it’s not!”

The other day I came home from work and decided to see what was on TV, since I don’t usually watch it when I come home. I happened to hit the “Maury” show. The only thing greater than my repulsion of the show is my hilarity at the stupid people that go on the show! There was a paternity question (seems like that’s most of what happens on those kinds of shows, but that’s a topic for another day) and the guy said he was 200% sure the child was not his. Then the girl said she was 300% sure the child WAS. Then the guy said he was 1000% percent sure it wasn’t. I shook my head, lamenting both their lack of logic and their tragic lifestyles, and turned the channel.

I Can’t Believe We Made It!

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or even the early 80s, probably shouldn’t have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truckon a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility — and we learned how to deal with it.

And you’re probably one of them!
Congratulations.

Bill Engvall is best known for his routine called “Here’s Your Sign.” It’s about how stupid people should wear a sign around their necks saying they’re stupid, so we’d know what to expect from them. Here’s a bit from his routine:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid.” That way you wouldn’t rely on them, wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me… oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope. Talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, “Wow! That’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him!

Current music: Desert Moon Song, by Dean Evenson

A guy walks into a bar, carrying three ducks. He has one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

When the patron leaves for the rest room, the ducks are left on the bar.

After an awkward silence, the bartender decides to make some conversation.

“What’s your name?” he asks the first duck.

“I’m Huey,” says the duck.

“How’s your day been?”

“Great,” says Huey. “Had a ball. Been slappin’ around puddles all day.”

The bartender then meets the second duck, “Dewey,” and asks how his day is going.

“Great,” Dewey replies. “Had a ball. Been slappin’ around puddles all day. If I had the chance, I’d do it again.”

So, the bartender turns to the third duck and says, “So, you must be Louie.”

“No,” growls the duck. “My name is Puddles. And don’t even ask about my day!”

There’s a new toon on HomestarRunner.com that pokes fun at my LEAST favorite part of summer:
The Ice Cream Truck

It takes me all of five seconds to get sick and tired of hearing the ice cream truck driving around the neighborhood endlessly repeating the same inane song fragment that they imagine would be attractive to children. Since I can’t do physical damage to the truck, its driver, or its music, and since I do like to laugh, I give you:

The Dante Troubadours, by the Martin Best Medieval Ensemble

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as… Sinko de Mayo

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, looking at the two US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.”

The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it:

• No taxes.
• No debt.
• Plenty buffalo
• Plenty beaver
• Women did the work
• Medicine man free
• Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”

The chief smiled and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, “Barkeep, I’d like a beer.”

The barkeep asks, “You want a Texas size beer?”

Without hesitation the northerner answers, “Yep! I want it Texas sized.”

The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to drink all this I better get some popcorn.”

“Texas size?” The barkeep ask.

Nodding the northerner says, “Yep! Texas size.”

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, “Where’s the bathroom?”

The barkeep points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first door on the left.”

The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

“HELP! HELP!” He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light.

The northerner in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”