Coffee Klatch

Here are a few short pfunnies that made me laugh out loud when I read them. These are from Reader’s Digest’s quest for the 50 Funniest Jokes.

Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”
The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

Happy Hour…With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ………… and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

Badump-Bump
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

The nurse said to the doctor, “There’s an invisible man in the waiting room.” The doctor replied, “Tell him I can’t see him now.”

Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”
The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Man’s Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”

What’s Black and White and …
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

For those of us who are Christians, one of our main missions here on earth is Peace. Jesus frequently bestowed peace upon people as a blessing. “Peace be to you” and “Go in peace” were commonly used, so both in greeting and departure. As Christians, our comings and goings should be marked with peace. St. Paul often opened his letters with “Grace and peace to you” and he often ended “May the God of peace be with you.” In fact, the word “peace” is used in the Bible about 250 times!

By redeeming mankind, Jesus brought peace between God and man (Col. 1:20). Eph. 2:14 says “For He Himself is our peace,” going on to explain how Jesus brought Jews and Gentiles together into one family where there previously had been distance and division. “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace” (Col. 3:15).

The third chapter of James explains that the wisdom of God is peace-loving and that sowing in peace raises a harvest of righteousness. We see that throughout the New Testament, the concept of peace was central to Christian Life, while in the Old Testament, peace was an ideal state for the individual, family, and nation. Even today the phrase “Peace be with you” or “The peace of Christ be with you all” is frequently heard in churches, especially liturgical services, which include it on purpose.

The Hebrew concept of shalom meant to make whole or complete. It involved restitution when wrong had been done. It also involved Trust in God. Yes, the concept included the absence of war or strife, but it was much deeper than that.

So what does all this mean for us today? How can we as Christians live a life of peace?

First of all, there is no peace without trusting in God. It is that kind of faith that removes worry from our daily lives and brings about that level of peace. When we are living our lives following God’s will (which requires studying the Scriptures to know and understand), we are spiritually whole and complete.

Peace is also necessary with our fellow man. This is probably the most important because it shows the world who we are. We may not have opportunities to talk with everyone about Christ, but they can certainly see us and observe how we live and how we treat each other. We must live lives of peace with each other as much as possible; this is part of our witness to the world.

This can be very difficult since we live in a world that is self centered, impatient, and not given to thinking of others. By choosing to be courteous, to put someone else before ourselves, to serve others when unasked, though, we build and spread Peace with those around us. And that spreads God’s love and builds up the body of Christ. Acts of love promote peace and they often cost nothing.

By not shoving my way in front of others on the highway, but graciously allowing someone to change lanes, I spread peace. By communicating promptly and courteously when at work, I spread peace. By deciding not to press an argument because ultimately it is not that important, I spread peace. By helping set the table at dinnertime or letting my brother watch a show he likes even though I think it is dumb, I spread peace.

There are many ways to spread peace in our daily lives. We simply must be looking for those opportunities. It doesn’t usually take much work, but it builds up other people, promotes peace, and even helps us feel good. If you are not inclined to feeling peaceable toward others, try some small acts. You will be surprised how quickly minor acts lead to feelings of peace, which will empower you toward larger acts.

We are called as Christians to live at peace with one another.

The Prayer of Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

St. Francis of Assisi
(1181-1226)

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

In honor of Mother’s Day this Sunday, I’ll be posting a couple Pfunnies dedicated to moms.
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TEN SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.

4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.

5. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Lost” is just coming on.

10.You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

How cool is THIS? ThinkGeek has outdone themselves once again! Not only can you (well, kids or small adults, not ME!) sleep in a Tauntaun, but you can surround yourself (literally and figuratively) with everything you need to set the mood. The lining is quilted like intestines and the zipper is a glowing lightsaber! (which, when you unzip it, is eerily like Luke’s actions in the movie)

In case you were wondering, yes, it’s a fully licensed Lucasfilm™ collectible!

Check it out!

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking.

Mrs. Dugan said, “I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.”

So Mrs. Riley dressed up and waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, “Who are you??”

Mrs. Riley replied, “I am the devil!”

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, “Glad to meet ya, I’m married to your sister.”

You’ve GOT to subscribe to this blog. It’s hilarious. All about cakes that are decorated in strange or funny ways. The pictures alone are terrific, but the writeup and description make it worth subscribing. You can visit Cake Wrecks or use their RSS Feed.

Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys

Dolly-Cake

Tensed Up

It’s Rude to Stare

In Honor of the 2008 Olympic Games

 

Here is a list of the top ten reasons to celebrate Groundhog Day. Besides watching the movie with Bill Murray.

• 10. It’s on nearly every calendar.
• 09. Helps relieve cabin fever.
• 08. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St. Urho’s Day.
• 07. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
• 06. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
• 05. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
• 04. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
• 03. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows“.
• 02. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.
• 01. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

Today begins Chinese New Year and this is the Year of the Ox.

Legend has it that in ancient times, Buddha asked all the animals to meet him on Chinese New Year. Twelve came, and Buddha named a year after each one. He announced that the people born in each animal’s year would have some of that animal’s personality. Those born in ox years tend to be painters, engineers, and architects. They are stable, fearless, obstinate, hard-working and friendly. Jack Nicholson, Jane Fonda, Walt Disney, and Anthony Hopkins were all born in the year of the ox.

For information on Chinese New Year, Zodiac, Astrology, E-Cards, etc., check out the following links:

• Chinese New Year @ InfoPlease
• Celebration of the Chinese New Year
• Chinese New Year & ChinaPage.com
• Chinese New Year @ Wikipedia
• Chinese Zodiac and Astrology
• Chinese New Year 2009

One of the features I like about the Internet Movie Database (http://imdb.com) is that you can use the “My Movies” feature for free. With a max of 10,000 movies you can include, you’re virtually unlimited. Especially if you use it for documenting all your own movies. When you view the list of your movies, you can choose to limit the list to a particular genre, making it easy to look through your collection for particular types of movies.

I have over 300 DVDs in my collection, so it can come in handy when I feel like watching a particular type of movie but want to see something that I haven’t seen for a while. If you’re curious about my collection, my list is public at http://www.imdb.com/mymovies/list?l=758595.