Coffee Klatch

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

According to the Chicago Manual of Style (15th edition), it is now just fine to end a sentence with a preposition if it’s more natural:

The traditional caveat of yesteryear against ending sentences with prepositions is, for most writers, an unnecessary and pedantic restriction. As Winston Churchill famously said, “That is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I shall not put.”

A sentence that ends in a preposition may sound more natural than a sentence carefully constructed  to avoid a final preposition. Compare

Those are the guidelines an author should adhere to
with
Those are the guidelines to which an author should adhere.

The “rule” prohibiting terminal prepositions was an ill-founded superstition (pp. 188-89).

What’s Worse Than A Pyromaniac In A Blazer?

A barber in a Seville

A seamstress in a Dart

An insurance adjuster in an Acclaim

A construction worker in a Bobcat

A creature in a black Laguna

A theater manager in a Marquis

An astronomer in an Eclipse

An exterminator in a Beetle

A call-girl in an Escort

A spiritualist in an Aurora

A proctologist in a Probe

A proctologist in a Ram

An orator in a Civic

A country singer in a Neon

A reporter in a S’Coupe

A Good Humor man in a S’Coupe

An orchestra conductor in a Prelude

A classical musician in a Sonata

A customs inspector in a Passport

A dog trainer in a Rover

A jeweler in a Topaz

A band leader in a Tempo

A gentleman in a Gallant

A bullfighter in a Matador

A mother-in-law in a Barracuda

An electrician in a Charger

A snake handler in a Viper

A second-story man in a Prowler

A car thief in a Jimmy

A lepidopterist in a Monarch

Barbie in a Malibu

Sgt. Preston in a Yukon

Queen Elizabeth in a Regal

Prince Rainier in a Monaco

Princess Stephanie in a Riviera

Prince Charles in a Regency

Joan Collins in a Dynasty

Hillary Clinton in a Park Avenue

Jim Garner in a Maverick

Kato in a green Hornet

Nixon in a Checker

Kissinger in a Diplomat

Speedy Gonzales in a Fiesta

Wile E. Coyote in a Road Runner

Elmer Fudd in a Wabbit

Miss Muffet in a Spyder

Charles Lindbergh in an Intrepid

Christopher Columbus in a Voyager

Blackbeard in a Corsair

Russell Means in a Dakota

Tonto in a Cherokee

Dorothy in a Syclone

Benjamin Franklin in a Lightning

Carl Sagan in a Nova

Bruce Lee in a Sidekick

Oscar De la Hoya in a Challenger

John Mellencamp in a Cougar

Wonder Woman in a gold Lariat

Edmund Halley in a Comet

Public-TV yoga instructor Lillias in a Lotus

Rosie O’Donnel and Charlton Heston in a Colt

Yassir Arafat and Menahim Begin in an Accord

Nostradamus and Jeanne Dixon in a Futura

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West hopping on three legs. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who posted 10 different puns on his blog, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make his friends laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright’s Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes…

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Maria

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,

Maria

Continuing our thoughts on odd pronunciations and the quirks of the English language, try this on for size:

The set of letters, “ough” can actually be pronounced nine different ways. Go ahead and try. See if you can come with all nine. I’ll wait………

Okay, try this sentence:

“A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”

Fun, isn’t it?

Here is a list of reasons the English language is hard to learn. These examples speak for themselves.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I will read the same book that he read.

Okay, so this came as news to me, but apparently anymore is a word. I just had it come up as a correction on a spell-check in MS Word, so I went to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary Online to find out more.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/anymore says the following:

Main Entry: any·more
Pronunciation: \ˌe-nē-ˈmȯr\
Function: adverb
Date: 14th century <– WOW!

1 : any longer anymore with my feet — Anaïs Nin
2 : at the present time : now anymore

usage: Anymore is regularly used in negative (no one can be natural anymore — May Sarton), interrogative (do you read much anymore?), and conditional (if you do that anymore, I’ll leave) contexts and in certain positive constructions (the Washingtonian is too sophisticated to believe anymore in solutions — Russell Baker).

In many regions of the United States the use of anymore in sense 2 is quite common in positive constructions, especially in speech (everybody’s cool anymore — Bill White) (every time we leave the house anymore, I play a game called “Stump the Housebreaker” — Erma Bombeck). The positive use appears to have been of Midland origin, but it is now reported to be widespread in all speech areas of the United States except New England.

These are supposed to be actual analogies and metaphors from real high school essays. I don’t know how many are real and how many are fake, but they’re still funny and fun, for the most part. Enjoy!

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up .

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.