Coffee Klatch

Funny guy who tells it like it is and reminds us how good we actually have it. DEFINITELY worth watching!

Two great buddies, Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the USA.

Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.

They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven?

One summer night, Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy’s voice from Glory.

“Tommy! Tommy, is that you?” Fred asked.

“Of course it me,” Tommy replied.

“This is incredible!” Fred exclaimed. “OK. So I know why you’re here. Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Fred.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

Barack Obama delivered the Top Ten list during an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.

(For those that just want to read them)

10. To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the situation room for sweet sixteens.
9. I will double your tax money at the craps table.
8. Appoint Mitt Romney secretary of lookin’ good.
7. If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it.
6. I’ll put Regis on the nickel.
5. I’ll rename the tenth month of the year ”Barack-tober.”
4. I won’t let Apple release the new and improved Ipod the day after you bought the previous model.
3. I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece.
2. Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.
1. Three words: Vice President Oprah.

This “pfunny” may be especially relevant to college students at this point in the semester. For many it’s been 4-5 weeks since the semester started, so here are some signs you really need to do the laundry:

You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.

Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 12 tons of pot in your closet.

Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.

Your red T-shirt is now green.

Even your pets don’t want to sniff you.

Your friends talk to you at yelling distance.

The moths in your closet have moved to a new home.

Here are some good quotes provided by some famous Jewish people. They’re not really about religion, but they do demonstrate the stereotypical Jewish perspective on life.

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“Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the only place in the Middle East that has no oil!”

~ Golda Meir

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“Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.”

~ Sam Goldwyn

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“I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.”

~ Michael J. Fox

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“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”

~ Shalom Aleichem

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“Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.”

~ Peter Malkin

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“My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.”

~ Richard Lewis

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn’t a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly what you are doing during this unproductive time. Based on our observations of employee activities, our department has constructed a charge sheet detailing a tentative extended job code list. The list below will enable a more accurate description of employee activities and unproductive events. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. As always, we’re only here to help.

Thank you.
The Management

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code - Explanation
—– - ———–
5316 - Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker is Not Present
5393 - Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Less than Intelligent
5402 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 - Buying Snack
5482 - Eating Snack
5500 - Filling out Timesheet
5501 - Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 - Waiting for Something to Happen
5504 - Sleeping
5510 - Feeling Bored
5600 - Complaining about Lousy Job
5601 - Complaining about Low Pay
5602 - Complaining about Long Hours
5603 - Complaining about Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 - Complaining about Boss
5605 - Complaining about Personal Problems
5640 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 - Not Actually Present at Job
5702 - Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 - Ordering Out
6103 - Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 - Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6202 - Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6206 - Gossip
6207 - Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 - Feeling Sorry for Yourself
6221 - Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 - Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 - Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 - Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6350 - Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
6601 - Running Your Own Side Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603 - Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 - Staring into Space
6612 - Staring at Computer Screen
6615 - Meditation
7281 - Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7401 - Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 - Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 - Talking with Doctor on Phone
7405 - Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 - Talking with Psychiatrist on Phone
7419 - Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
8000 - Watching Stock Market on CNN
8001 - Watching Latest Washington Political Crisis on CNN

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

There was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child whispered, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

Here are some pirate jokes in honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, which really should be celebrated ALL WEEKEND by anyone who likes pirates!

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Two Pirates on a ship, one says “Yarrr!”

The other says “I was just thinkin’ the same thing matey!”

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A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar.

“Arr, cap’n, you should go o’er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?”

The captain replied “Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?”

“Don’t worry cap’n,” said the first mate. “She only has one leg! She won’t say anything with that one peg leg.”

Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she’d like to dance.

“Would EYE, Would EYE!” she exclaimed.

“Oh yeah? Well… Peg Leg! Peg Leg!” replied the insulted captain!

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Why didn’t the pirate get hungry when he was left on a desert island?

Because of all the sand which is there!

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How do pirates know when they are about to be attacked?

They watch Sea-span!

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I don’t know if you guys have heard about this new Pirate corn they’ve got now.
I guess it’s going to be like a buck an ear.

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What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.

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After many years at sea a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he should collect on his workers compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

“How did you get the wooden leg?”
In a booming voice the pirate replied:

“Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.”

Agent: “That is certainly work related. how did you lose your hand.”

Pirate: “Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand.”

Agent: “That’s also work related. how did you lose your eye?” in a booming voice the pirate replied:

Pirate: “Well matey, I was layin’ on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!”

Agent: “What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?”

Pirate: “It were the first day with me hook!”

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What did Black Beard say to his men before they got on the ship?

Let’s get on the ship, men!

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Where does a pirate go to college ?

HARRRVARRRD!

You are The Cap’n!
Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn’t eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You’re mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that’s his problem, now isn’t? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones’ locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What’s Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Friday’s Talk Like A Pirate Day and to help you get prepared for it, I’m highlighting a couple videos that Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket put together to help you talk, well, like a pirate! Here’s the first.

The Five A’s