Coffee Klatch

These are real foods, with the manufacturer names included in parentheses after the product names. Not my descriptions, but they’re still funny. And kinda queasy-making.
8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Patè (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store. Work from the front to the back.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, son. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”

A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”

16. Clean up mess.

17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

Does God have a sense of humor?

Yes He does, He can use anyone for good, no matter how bad their past.

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. Upon returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door”.

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or another had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.” So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “Great Scott! This is what you sent to help me?”

But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “SURE.” He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again, and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!”

- Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called “Humidity,” so that disgruntled fans in Florida can say, “It’s not the Heat that’s so bad, it’s the Humidity.”

- It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

- What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.

- How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt. Rainier, it’s going to rain. If not, it already is.

- There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.

- Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain.
One looks skywards and says, “So this is England. What’s it like?”
The other snarls, “Well, if you like the weather, you’ll love the food.”

- An honest weatherman says, “Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I’m wrong.”

- A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Here are the Top Ten Signs you’re on a bad date:

10. He eats his steak with his fingers and uses the fork to scratch his armpits.

9. During the movie, you notice she’s holding hands with the guy on her other side.

8. She says “I’ll probably finish my dinner before you since I haveworms.”

7. After goodnight kiss, she tells you her real name is Bruce.

6. She doesn’t even say “Thank you” after dinner at the AM/PM.

5. You go to Disneyland and she kicks “Goofy” in the shins.

4. You keep losing your date because she keeps moving to a different Internet chat room.

3. Instead of the bill, the waiter gives you a note that says “You run, I’ll stall her!”

2. He hurries to drop you off by 10 because Hillary gets home at 11.

1. “Whoa? 8:15 already?”

Doctors were told they needed to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital.
What was their reaction?

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”

The pediatricians said, “Grow up.”

The proctologists said, “We are in arrears.”

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar one afternoon.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, ma fren, I ain’t got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim ’round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s de truth ma’ fren. I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” Said the Cajun.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”

“What fish?”