2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

The doctor answered: “There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

“What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.”

Then their priest retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through these two cads, but he also spoke the truth in love, and the parish started to grow.

Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new priest the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At my brother’s funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The priest gave his word, and deposited the check.

At the funeral, the priest spoke passionately. “This was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this vein for some time, he concluded: “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes sir, is there something wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”

WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, lad, Taste it.”

WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”

CUSTOMER: “Mmmm, hmm… Taste it.”

WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, Taste it!”

WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”
Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

The kid said, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line.”

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!”

You see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office (and the DA waiting on the phone….)

You wake up face down on the pavement.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

“Only a kiss a yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out with a smile.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her….

“Grandpa pays the bills,” she smiled and winked!

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood.” As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she told them, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”