Coffee Klatch

For those of you who are unaware of who Homestar Runner and StrongBad are, I’m providing a link to the Homestar Wiki where you can get a quick overview. Click on Characters there to learn more about the various characters from the site or try the Strong Bad Email link to learn about that. The SBEmails were the best part of that site, which has tapered off in its production of late. There is still new material, just not as often as there used to be. Of course, here’s the main link to the main site: http://www.homestarrunner.com/

Here are my Top Ten favorite (and, I think, funniest) StrongBad Emails:

Honorable Mention: Draw a Dragon
Honorable Mention #2: Bear Holding a Shark
10. Television Show
9. Theme Park
8. Theme Song
7. Specially Marked
6. Alternate Universe
5. Techno
4. StrongBad Gets a Virus
3. Making Homestar Cry
2. Technology Introduction
and my all-time favorite:
#1: StrongBad’s Bottom Ten List:

Here are some musical artists and groups that belong together:

~ Anita Baker and Humble Pie
~ Asleep at The Wheel and ZZ Top
~ Bad Company and Motley Crue
~ Blondie and Split Enz
~ Bob Dylan and Wheezer
~ Boston and Cream
~ Cracker and The Jam
~ Crash Test Dummies and Third Eye Blind
~ Cream and Puff Daddy
~ Dizzy Gilespie and Ten Times Fast
~ Donna Summer and Edgar Winter
~ Eddie Rabbit and Echo & the Bunnymen
~ Fine Young Cannibals and Missing Persons
~ Flock of Seagulls and Everybodyduck
~ Foreigner and Bad English
~ Guess Who and The Who
~ Jethro Tull and The Clampetts
~ Josie & The Pussycats and Cat Stevens
~ Kajagoogoo and The Babies
~ Kansas and Toto (and add Ozzy)
~ Meatloaf and Salt-N-Pepa
~ Michael Jackson and Enigma
~ Milli Vanilli and The Pretenders (or Milli Vanilli and Cheap Trick)
~ Neneh Cherry and Fiona Apple
~ Pearl Jam and Bread
~ Phish and Styx
~ Ratt and Poison
~ Smashing Pumpkins and The Smithereens
~ Spice Girls and Simple Minds
~ Styx and Stones
~ Tammy Graham and Cracker
~ T-bone and Skillet
~ The Beatles and Black Flag
~ The Cranberries and Juice Newton
~ The Lost Dogs and Stray Cats
~ The Mamas and the Papas and The Offspring
~ The Monkees and Bananarama
~ Three Dog Night and Bow Wow Wow
~ Traffic and The Jam
~ Twisted Sister and the Doobie Brothers
~ Us3 and U2
~ Vanilla Ice and Cream

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. “Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren’t copying someone else’s mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?”

Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. “Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document.”

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. “Father Justinian,” he called.

The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

“Oh, my Lord,” sobbed Father Justinian, “the word is ‘celebrate’!”

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

As the lawyer woke up after surgery he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn?”

The doctor answered: “There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.”

There were two wicked brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same church and outwardly appeared quite righteous.

Then their priest retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through these two cads, but he also spoke the truth in love, and the parish started to grow.

Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new priest the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At my brother’s funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The priest gave his word, and deposited the check.

At the funeral, the priest spoke passionately. “This was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this vein for some time, he concluded: “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman.

As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes sir, is there something wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”

WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, lad, Taste it.”

WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”

CUSTOMER: “Mmmm, hmm… Taste it.”

WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, Taste it!”

WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”
Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

A drill sergeant had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The kid said, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line.”