Coffee Klatch

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly
through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of
the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced
Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter “the Deer”). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-
conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts”
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax
Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words
to that effect.

I just found out about this group today. It’s an AWESOME men’s a capella ensemble called Straight No Chaser, which is a college group from Indiana University. They do some fantastic music, including this quite humorous rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas that takes some surprising turns:

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light set or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you also put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa, add 10 points)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige store’s box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points; 10 if from a cell phone claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own. (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Taking toys from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins, which is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100:

20-30: You’re just a cheeseball.
30-50: You’re an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over!

Although it doesn’t feel like it yet, it’s just a couple days until it’s officially Fall. At 4:51 am EDT this Sunday, 23 Sept., we’ll see the Sun crossing the equator (declination of 0°) and begin our descent into the cooler and darker half of the year. (My personal favorite half.)

There is a great deal of information, including a chart with dates and times at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equinox

Current music: Realms of Grace: An Angelic Experience, by Aeoliah

Yup! September 19th is that special day! No, not the birthday of Adam West (1928), Jeremy Irons (1948), or Twiggy (1949). Well, it IS their birthday. And, no, not the anniversary of the deaths of Red Foley (1968), Orville Redenbacher (1995), or Rich Mullins (1997), although it is. It’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

You can find the original Talk Like A Pirate Day website at http://www.talklikeapirate.com/, where there are all kinds of links, piratey sayings, fun & games ideas, and tips for talking like a pirate.

So get prepared to shiver your timbers, matey, and celebrate this most special of days tomorrow!

Christ is risen! This has been an Easter greeting for almost 2,000 years! And the proper response is, “He is risen indeed!” It’s always nice to hear people use these greetings on Easter Sunday. It truly is the reason for the holiday and is worth celebrating.

Oh, and last night at the Easter Vigil mass I came into full communion with the Catholic Church, celebrating my confirmation and First Communion. It was incredibly moving and joyful. And I even had a friend drive down from Grand Rapids just to be here for that. He drove back this morning after the Easter service.

In case you missed the earlier post about my becoming Catholic, I wrote an essay that explains the how and why of my journey over the last few years and why I became convinced that Catholicism is not only right for me, but is the true historical Christian Church. You can read my essay here: A Pilgrimage Ends, A New Journey Begins.

He is risen indeed!!

It’s kinda funny, but there’s so much talk about the Colts playing in the Super Bowl Sunday, and Friday is always the big celebration day before games since it’s the last work day, that people have forgotten the so very important holiday that is today: GROUNDHOG DAY!

I mention it partly because nobody’s talking about it today and partly because it’s cloudy here in Indianapolis and getting colder all day today, with a chance of show this afternoon. In fact, it’s starting to flurry right now! So, what does Groundhog Day lore tell us if it’s a cloudy day? Why, it says that the groundhog WON’T see his shadow, so won’t get scared and Spring is just around the corner! Here’s what Punxsutawney Phil says. Woo-hoo!

That being said, GO COLTS!!

Happy New Year everybody! Welcome to 2007! Here’s wishing the best to you and yours. May you be given the opportunities to grow intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually this year.

If you’re looking for something to make your own in terms of a New Year’s resolution, I would like to suggest learning more about your faith: its origins, its history, how it has changed since its origin, and how it can be made more real and affect your life and actions during this coming year. If you’re NOT religious, maybe you could pick one to learn about this year, whether or not you choose to accept it for yourself. Or maybe you can do the same thing that I’m suggesting, examining the history and development of your non-religion.

My reason: too many people live day to day as Christians (or followers of other religions) taking things as they’re given them, without delving deeper into not just the reasons why they believe what they do, but the history of their beliefs. I’ve spent much of 2006 learning more about what kind of Church Christ actually left us, learning more about the Early Church Fathers, reading what they wrote, and learning more about what the early Christians believed and practiced and how they worshipped. I plan to continue this in 2007. There is a lot to be learned and there can even be some surprises as you get to the roots of your religion.

If you haven’t made any New Year’s resolution, I encourage you to consider this for yourself.

So it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m watching the Twilight Zone Marathon on the SciFi Channel. Flipping back and forth to/from the Colts game, watching them beat the Dolphins. I’m also spending time this weekend working on some projects at home, like rearranging my entire library (1100+ books), organizing it by the Dewey Decimal System working from my LibraryThing catalog.

How weird that on the 31st of December there’s a ton of rain and even flooding, with a high of 58° here in the Midwest. Doesn’t feel like it will be January in a few hours.

Okay, so I’ve often said that Ralphie from A Christmas Story reminds me of Alaric, my oldest boy. The way he looks, the way he treats his brother, everything. Well, Alaric has been asking for an air-soft rifle for Christmas and he actually got one. No compass in the stock, but the stock does detach. And no “thing that tells time” either. And air-soft guns shoot plastic pellets, not metal ones, but they can still sting.

Anyway, Alaric got the gun for Christmas yesterday and wasted no time in setting up some targets at the end of our wraparound porch and working on sighting in the rifle. The gun did come with safety goggles, but Alaric chose not to use them because they got in the way. After a while, one of his shots ricocheted off of something and bounced off something else and then hit him in the face. It wasn’t hard and he wasn’t hurt at all, but it was in the EXACT SAME PLACE as Ralphie! He came in and said what happened and I said, “You shot your EYE out!” Pretty funny.

Oh, and as a bonus fact, if you aim a red laser pointer at a regular incandescent lightbulb, it sort of lights it up all red. That was for free.

[tags]Christmas story, Ralphie[/tags]