Coffee Klatch

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman.

As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes sir, is there something wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”

WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, lad, Taste it.”

WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”

CUSTOMER: “Mmmm, hmm… Taste it.”

WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”

CUSTOMER: “Go on, Taste it!”

WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”
Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

These are real foods, with the manufacturer names included in parentheses after the product names. Not my descriptions, but they’re still funny. And kinda queasy-making.
8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Patè (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

The pendulum seems to continually swing back and forth on the topic of coffee and its effects on your health. In several journals recently (including the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition and the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry) there have been articles discussing how coffee can be GOOD for you! Some of the health benefits that these studies have uncovered are:

• Provides a significantly lower risk of Type 2 Diabetes
• About 1 gram of soluble fiber per cup (that’s the kind that helps lower cholesterol)
• Lower risk of heart disease (yes, actually lower)
• The HIGHEST source of antioxidants in our diets, and more

Read this article for more discussion and explanation of these recent findings:
Good News About Coffee

Bottom Line: For healthy adults, having two or three cups of joe daily generally isn’t harmful and it may have health perks.

“I wouldn’t recommend drinking coffee to prevent disease,” says [Frank] Hu [M.D., Ph.D., associate professor of nutrition and epidemiology at Harvard School of Public Health]. Exceeding one’s caffeine tolerance—which varies—can cause irritability, headache and insomnia. (Signs you might be overconsuming: Yelling at co-workers. Watching infomercials at 2 a.m.) The temporary rise in heart rate and blood pressure could cause problems for people with heart disease, and new moms should be aware that caffeine passes into breast milk. Hu has no plans to change his own two-cup-a-day habit. “For most people who enjoy coffee, there’s no reason to cut back.”

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Canada. This is a tremendously funny Pfunny — especially if you read it aloud to a friend!

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

The scorecards from the event:
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Chili #1 – Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili #2 – Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
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Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili #3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA! I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili #4 – Bubba’s Black Magic
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Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili #5 – Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
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Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

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Chili #6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

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Chili #7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. The heck with it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili #8 – Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

Somebody went to an awful lot of trouble to create 100 very special cupcakes. See if you can identify the games that each one represents! The games are old, new, computer, board, whatever.

http://www.steelheadstudio.com/100cupcakes/

Despair.com has pulled through again. This time with “Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us!” They call them Bittersweets and they’re just regular candy hearts, but with messages like:

• Now U Tellme
• U Turn Me Off
• Broken Heart
• Tradin You In
• Kiss a Frog
• U Left Seatup
• She Cooks
• He Can Kiss
• He Fit You Fat
• Parole is Up!
• I Love Me 2
• XPLTIV Deleted
• Infin8 Agony
• So So Alone
• Aging Poorly
• Mommy Issues
• Sub Prime
• I Have Taste
• Who is Holly?
• and more!

Visit http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html to get your own! They come in three unique flavors: Dysfunctional, Dumped, and Dejected

I’ve been seeing these commercials for Domino’s and how they’ve reformulated their pizzas based on all the customer reviews criticizing their crust, sauce, etc. Their commercials are advertising two-topping medium pizzas for $5.99. I decided to test them out, so we bought two pizzas for our family of five. One was pepperoni and onion, the other was sausage and green pepper. They were both EXCELLENT! The taste was different, of course, but everyone agreed that they were really good. Camber (who’s 8 years old) has declared that Domino’s is his new favorite! And, you know, that special garlic sauce that they brush on the crust is excellent too!

If you’ve always been anti-Domino’s, I suggest you give them another try. They have some new fans in our house!

A BAD CASE OF LARGE NACHOS
By Suzanne Peppers

I have had a horrible case of Laryngitis for the past 8 days. I’m working hard to get over it. I have only had a little bit of voice for one day really. VERY frustrating. Then last Tuesday I was SO hungry — and had NO money with me — that I decided to stop at Carl’s Jr. fast food for lunch. (They take ATM’s.) I got inside and realized I would not be able to order easily without a voice, so I grabbed a napkin and wrote on it:

LARYNGITIS
(underlined and bold)

Under that I wrote #18 (combo) & Medium Drink

I walked up to the counter and stood before a young lady that appeared to have been gifted with fewer brain cells than most. (Just a hunch.) I thought this might go badly. I handed her the napkin.

She looked past the napkin to my face and said, “To go or for here?”

I mouthed, “To go.”

She said, “What???”

This was not going to work. Again, I lifted the napkin to hand it to her. She repeated, “Is this to go or for here???” Frustrated, I began to WAVE the napkin in her face like a flag of surrender. She finally took it from my hand. She looked at my note and then, a bit indignant, looked right at me and said, “MA’AM, we don’t HAVE large nachos.”

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to laugh hysterically without a voice? Suddenly I realized I was suffering from a bad case of LARGE NACHOS… not Laryngitis!!!! Oh my. But wait, the best is yet to come. As I’m shaking my head, she turns to the girl next to her and says, “Do we have large nachos?”

The other girl reads my note and says, “I think she can’t talk. Just ring up an 18 and a drink.” So she does.

But she continues the order process by looking down, away from me. I’m becoming a bit baffled at her lack of attention…till I realize she has a pen in her hand and is writing something on the napkin:

CHICKEN BEEF or PORK?

At this point I begin pounding on the counter to get her attention. She finally looks up at me and says, “WHAT?!”

I frantically point to my ears and mouth these words, “I CAN HEAR!!!!”

To which she begins to reply in writing again!!

I tapped her on the shoulder this time and mouthed again, “REALLY! I CAN HEAR! TALK TO ME!!!”

She became upset and said, “Well, I didn’t want you to have to say yes or no,” to which I replied (mouthing again), “I CAN NOD!!!!”

She took my money, handed me an order number and was done with me. All without speaking or saying thank you or even looking at me.

After all, I had a bad case of large nachos and certainly could not understand anything she might say to me.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men toys in the bottom of the cup!

She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV… The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

A waiter approached the man who was carefully studying the menu at the fancy restaurant. “May I take your order, sir?” he asked.

“Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens,” the man replied.

“Oh, it’s nothing too special, sir,” the waiter confided. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”