One of my favorite poems is “The Jabberwocky,” written by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking-Glass, which was a sequel to Alice in Wonderland. Carroll invented many of the words in the poem, which is a masterpiece of the nonsense poem genre.

For definitions of the words, as explained by Humpty Dumpty in the story or later by Carroll himself, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jabberwocky#Glossary (and be sure to look up the definitions for “outgrabe” and “toves”). :-D

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought –
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

It’s been a while since I posted one of these lists from Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg’s book, The Book of Ratings, and there’s a TON of awfully funny material in it, so here’s a new list from the book.

Vampire Weaknesses

  • Garlic
    As a food, garlic gets an A+, but as the Achilles’ heel of bloodsucking undead predators, I dunno. It seems like an insult gone awry: “Gee, Hans, I don’t know how we’re going to stop this ‘vampire’ of yours. Have you tried breathing on it?” If vampires had been invented in our era, they might have been repelled by cell phones in restaurants or people who recite the entire plots of TV shows at parties. D+
  • Sunlight
    In the novel Dracula, sunlight doesn’t kill the title vamp, he’s just tired and listless during the day, which also applies to half the people I’ve worked with. Now, of course, this has evolved into current versions of spontaneous inhuman combustion in sunlight or at tanning salons. Which is, to be fair, much cooler. A
  • Crucifixes
    My main question is whether alternative cross-shaped items like railroad crossing signs or the American Lung Association logo would work. I’ve heard revisionist vampire tales in which it’s not the cross but the faith that does the work, and that anything that one considers sacred and awe-inspiring would work, which is why I carry a picture of Bjork with me at all times. C
  • Running Water
    Beware my Slip ‘n Slide, fanged demon! The idea that vampires can’t cross running water has largely been ignored in contemporary vampire literature because of the dumbness. The image of a vampire pacing the opposite bank of a river, fuming like Yosemite Sam because he can’t get to you, doesn’t fit the current psychoerotic take on filmdom’s most dapper monster. D
  • Stakes
    The method of making the undead dead varies widely, assuming “dump him in a sunny meadow” isn’t an option. In some milieu, a stake through the heart does the trick, while in others you have to stake the bloodsucker, chop his head off, stuff his mouth with garlic, and–on the Food Network–bake him at 350 degrees for forty-five minutes. Serves six. Calories per serving: 460. Calories from evil: 250. B

Current music: Scenes from The Louvre, by Norman Dello Joio

Well THAT was certainly kept hush-hush!!

On September 16 of this year (three months ago), Robert Jordan died at his home in South Carolina of a blood disease. WHO HEARD ABOUT THIS? I sure didn’t! (Maybe since his real name was James Oliver Rigney, Jr., we missed it in the news.)

He was working on the 12th and final book of his Wheel of Time series. For all those fans who started reading the series a decade ago (the first book came out in 1990), there’s a large group saying, “We KNEW this was going to happen! Why’d he take so FREAKING LONG on these last few??” (Even though we do admire his valiant fight against cardiac amyloidosis that he contracted over a year ago.)

Well, rest assured, al-Thor-fans, the Wheel of Time will continue to spin as Brandon Sanderson, author of the “Mistborn” series, will be finishing the final novel, according to CNN. Jordan did leave a ton of detailed notes and hours of audio recordings, so his influence will still permeate the final book, entitled A Memory of Light.

So far, CNN reports that books in the “Wheel of Time” series have sold over 44 million copies! I blogged about the series in March 2007 and July 2005.

It’s time for another topic from Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg’s book: The Book of Ratings: Opinions, Grades, & Assessments of Everything Worth Thinking About. (BUY THIS BOOK! I mean it! IT’S HILARIOUS! You’ll laugh your SPLEEN off!) Today’s topic: Internal Organs!

Internal Organs

  • Heart
    The ancient-but-silly Greeks believed that the heart was the seat of intelligence and emotion, because it beats faster when you feel strong emotion and because you die when a ninja rips it out of your chest. Of course, now we’re much more enlightened and we know that the heart serves only as a handy storage area for saturated fats and as something for people to grab at in feigned astonishment. C
  • Lungs
    I know that it’s become all the rage for antismoking demonstrations to include a diseased lung being slapped on the table, but let’s be honest with ourselves: A healthy lung ain’t exactly Renoir, either. In fact, slap pretty much any random hunk of disembodied flesh on the table and say, “See? This is what will happen to you if you start smoking: a perfectly healthy goat kidney!” and get the same effect. B
  • Stomach
    My intensive studies of the stomach have determined that it is perfectly smooth, almost cartoonish, and that it appreciates having computer-generated fluorescent liquid being introduced into it, so much so, in fact, that it will often glow an angry red if it doesn’t get these liquids. Thanks again, television commercials! C
  • Brain
    The most important thing about the brain is that you become much, much more intelligent if it’s showing. If you can arrange to have it encased in a transparent dome, or to have it imprinting itself on a soft membrane that you have in place of a skull, you’re pretty much ready to create elaborate laser cannons and mindless zombie slave creatures. Remember that the next time you have to take a test and have access to a band saw. A
  • Spleen
    I’m not going to point out the actual function of the spleen, because its major appeal is in the low-level mystery created by the fact that most people don’t really care about it one way or the other. It’s just this floppy mass of tissue that’s fun to say and lives within each one of us, kind of like a guardian angel made of Silly Putty. A-

I heard some interesting statistics today about book sales in the U.S. Last year, 1,446,000 DIFFERENT books were sold in the various bookstores around the country. That’s the number of different titles.

Now… how many of those books do you think sold more than 100,000 copies? It was a grand total of 483! Or 0.0003% (three ten-thousandths of one percent) of all the books sold.

On the flip side, how many books do you think sold FEWER than 99 copies? 1,123,000! 78% of all the different books sold in the U.S. sold under 100! Now, that’s not to say that all those books NEVER sold more than 100 copies. That’s just in the one year. But still, interesting statistics.

And if you’re in the process of writing that novel with the hopes of producing a best seller, just realize what a small percentage of books actually make it. Not to disillusion anyone, but at least to maybe keep you from resting ALL your hopes on that novel. :-D

Arthur Schopenhauer lived from 1788 to 1860. He was a philosopher and writer who wrote books like The World as Will and Idea and Studies in Pessimism. He is one of those writers that everyone should read, because as you read his style of writing, you almost cannot help becoming more eloquent. Of particular interest is one of his essays, called Counsels and Maxims, which can be found at Project Gutenberg. You can also read it as an etext from the University of Adelaide (Australia) Library at http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/s/schopenhauer/arthur/counsels/

What I find interesting is that he lived 150+ years ago and yet his observations are still true today. And all the more interesting is Chapter 3 of his Counsels, “Our Relation to Others,” when read with a view of today’s society and culture in mind. Below are some excerpts that I found particularly compelling.

It is astonishing how easily and how quickly similarity, or difference of mind and disposition, makes itself felt between one man and another as soon as they begin to talk: every little trifle shows it. When two people of totally different natures are conversing, almost everything said by the one will, in a greater or less degree, displease the other, and in many cases produce positive annoyance; even though the conversation turn upon the most out-of-the-way subject, or one in which neither of the parties has any real interest. People of similar nature, on the other hand, immediately come to feel a kind of general agreement; and if they are cast very much in the same mould, complete harmony or even unison will flow from their intercourse.

This explain two circumstances. First of all, it shows why it is that common, ordinary people are so sociable and find good company wherever they go. Ah! those good, dear, brave people. It is just the contrary with those who are not of the common run; and the less they are so, the more unsociable they become; so that if, in their isolation, they chance to come across some one in whose nature they can find even a single sympathetic chord, be it never so minute, they show extraordinary pleasure in his society. For one man can be to another only so much as the other is to him. Great minds are like eagles, and build their nest in some lofty solitude.

Secondly, we are enabled to understand how it is that people of like disposition so quickly get on with one another, as though they were drawn together by magnetic force—kindred souls greeting each other from afar. Of course the most frequent opportunity of observing this is afforded by people of vulgar tastes and inferior intellect, but only because their name is legion; while those who are better off in this respect and of a rarer nature, are not often to be met with: they are called rare because you can seldom find them.

You cannot see in another man any more than you have in yourself; and your own intelligence strictly determines the extent to which he comes within its grasp. If your intelligence is of a very low order, mental qualities in another, even though they be of the highest kind, will have no effect at all upon you; you will see nothing in their possessor except the meanest side of his individuality—in other words, just those parts of his character and disposition which are weak and defective. Your whole estimate of the man will be confined to his defects, and his higher mental qualities will no more exist for you than colors exist for those who cannot see.

Intellect is invisible to the man who has none. In any attempt to criticise another’s work, the range of knowledge possessed by the critic is as essential a part of his verdict as the claims of the work itself.

Hence intercourse with others involves a process of leveling down. The qualities which are present in one man, and absent in another, cannot come into play when they meet; and the self-sacrifice which this entails upon one of the parties, calls forth no recognition from the other.

I feel respect for the man—and he is one in a hundred—who, when he is waiting or sitting unoccupied, refrains from rattling or beating time with anything that happens to be handy,—his stick, or knife and fork, or whatever else it may be. The probability is that he is thinking of something.

With a large number of people, it is quite evident that their power of sight completely dominates over their power of thought; they seem to be conscious of existence only when they are making a noise; unless indeed they happen to be smoking, for this serves a similar end. It is for the same reason that they never fail to be all eyes and ears for what is going on around them.

Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves. They always think of their own case as soon as ever any remark is made, and their whole attention is engrossed and absorbed by the merest chance reference to anything which affects them personally, be it never so remote: with the result that they have no power left for forming an objective view of things, should the conversation take that turn; neither can they admit any validity in arguments which tell against their interest or their vanity. Hence their attention is easily distracted. They are so readily offended, insulted or annoyed, that in discussing any impersonal matter with them, no care is too great to avoid letting your remarks bear the slightest possible reference to the very worthy and sensitive individuals whom you have before you; for anything you may say will perhaps hurt their feelings. People really care about nothing that does not affect them personally. True and striking observations, fine, subtle and witty things are lost upon them: they cannot understand or feel them. But anything that disturbs their petty vanity in the most remote and indirect way, or reflects prejudicially upon their exceedingly precious selves—to that, they are most tenderly sensitive.

Distance and long absence are always prejudicial to friendship, however disinclined a man may be to admit. Our regard for people whom we do not see—even though they be our dearest friends—gradually dries up in the course of years, and they become abstract notions; so that our interest in them grows to be more and more intellectual,—nay, it is kept up only as a kind of tradition; whilst we retain a lively and deep interest in those who are constantly before our eyes, even if they be only pet animals. This shows how much men are limited by their senses.

A man must be still a greenhorn in the ways of the world, if he imagines that he can make himself popular in society by exhibiting intelligence and discernment. With the immense majority of people, such qualities excite hatred and resentment, which are rendered all the harder to bear by the fact that people are obliged to suppress—even from themselves—the real reason of their anger.

What actually takes place is this. A man feels and perceives that the person with whom he is conversing is intellectually very much his superior. He thereupon secretly and half unconsciously concludes that his interlocutor must form a proportionately low and limited estimate of his abilities. That is a method of reasoning—an enthymeme—which rouses the bitterest feelings of sullen and rancorous hatred. And so Gracian is quite right in saying that the only way to win affection from people is to show the most animal-like simplicity of demeanor—para ser bien quisto, el unico medio vestirse la piel del mas simple de los brutos.

To show your intelligence and discernment is only an indirect way of reproaching other people for being dull and incapable. And besides, it is natural for a vulgar man to be violently agitated by the sight of opposition in any form; and in this case envy comes in as the secret cause of his hostility. For it is a matter of daily observation that people take the greatest pleasure in that which satisfies their vanity; and vanity cannot be satisfied without comparison with others. Now, there is nothing of which a man is prouder than of intellectual ability, for it is this that gives him his commanding place in the animal world. It is an exceedingly rash thing to let any one see that you are decidedly superior to him in this respect, and to let other people see it too; because he will then thirst for vengeance, and generally look about for an opportunity of taking it by means of insult, because this is to pass from the sphere of intellect to that of will—and there, all are on an equal footing as regards the feeling of hostility. Hence, while rank and riches may always reckon upon deferential treatment in society, that is something which intellectual ability can never expect; to be ignored is the greatest favor shown to it; and if people notice it at all, it is because they regard it as a piece of impertinence, or else as something to which its possessor has no legitimate right, and upon which he dares to pride himself; and in retaliation and revenge for his conduct, people secretly try and humiliate him in some other way; and if they wait to do this, it is only for a fitting opportunity. A man may be as humble as possible in his demeanor, and yet hardly ever get people to overlook his crime in standing intellectually above them. In the Garden of Roses, Sadi makes the remark:—You should know that foolish people are a hundredfold more averse to meeting the wise than the wise are indisposed for the company of the foolish.

It’s time for another comic relief post. Again from The Book of Ratings, by Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg, which is a terrificly funny book, as I’ve mentioned before. If you find these at all funny, you’ve GOT to buy the book. It’s loaded with stuff like this! Just click the link above.

Today’s humorous topic: Aspects of the Weather Report, with commentary and ratings.

Aspects of the Weather Report

Humidity Index

While I appreciate the attempt to give me a context for my misery, I find the calculation of how hot it feels like to be less than useful. First off, it’s wrong. When it’s 95 degrees in California, I don’t think “Hey, this is just like 85 degrees in Nashville in July.” I’m just glad I’m not there. I think that the weatherfolk should at least attempt to be more evocative. “It’s ninety-two degrees, but it feels like you’re being stuffed fully clothed into a sauna and made to breathe through a wet sock.” D

Fronts

Another thing I appreciate about weatherpersons is their cheerful crusade to educate me. “There’s a warm front coming in off this high-pressure area in the north, and it’s running into a cold front here, and you know what that means!” says the weatherman. “Locusts?” I venture. “Thunderstorms!” says the weatherman. “Well, you could have just said that,” I reply. Then I throw a sock at the screen. C

Forecast Diagrams

Once upon a memory, the forecast was simple and stationary. You had your sun and your clouds. The clouds could rain or snow. Maybe you’d see the word “wind” if there was a ratings battle going on. The local all-weather station now has animated weather that, I think, is supposed to provide a sense of time, so that if there are clouds on the left side of the Monday box but not on the right, that means Monday will start out cloudy and clear up. And if it’s night, the “next few hours” forecast has a moon. The clouds actually go behind the moon, so it’s not meteorologically accurate, but points for trying. C+

Temperature Bands

I think of this as the “envy and spite” chart. With one sweeping glance, you can see that Oregon is having a nicer day than you are, but at least you’re not in Missouri. It’s especially easy for me, because as far as my Nordic blood is concerned, blue is good. Some people prefer living in the light yellow areas, but my gaze is always drawn longingly toward Canada. B

Lightning Charts

One of the nice maps they go through on the Weather Channel is the chart of every single lightning strike, usually displayed in this shimmering band of plus and minus signs like an arithmetic book breaking into a riot. I’m sure they have some miraculous satellite that keeps track of these things, but I’d still like to have the job of standing on my porch looking for strikes and counting “one one-hundred, two one-hundred, three one-hundred….” B-

Sweeping Arm Movements

What I want for my birthday is this: a tape of weather reports without the superimposed maps. Just a man or lady standing in front of a blue screen, staring off-camera, babbling about high-pressure areas and making sweeping arm movements. I think that would be hilarious. The sweeping arm movements would really make it for me. B

NO spoilers here.

Well, I got the book yesterday. I pre-ordered from Amazon, who sent me a follow-up email saying that if I wanted to guarantee delivery on the Release Date I should upgrade my shipping method from Free Super Saver Shipping to something more expensive. I declined but I still got the book in the mail on the SAME day. :-)
Ten hours later (yes, I did sleep in the middle, but it was a total of ten) I finished the book. All 759 pages of it.

I won’t give anything away here. I’ll just say that I thought it was a pretty good book. Good story and decent ending. Not how I would have ended it, but still good (after all, I’m not the author, am I?). Yes, some people do die in this book and you do get to see some things that you’ve been waiting for. And I think there are some questions that don’t get answered by the end of the book, making the reader (me at least) wish she’d given a few more details in the final chapter.

Like any book, there were some slower points and some busier points, but the story moved along pretty well. And when you look at the series, from book one to book seven, it makes a good story with decent character development throughout. And, yet, I’m glad it’s over. Of course there’s still the potential for more books that are set before or after the seven years of this series, but at least this series is over now.

Most people have some kind of method for attaining a sense of personal peace. I’m not talking about meditation but rather organization. When life seems out of control, most people have something they can physically do to regain a sense of balance and control in their lives. Often this takes the form of cleaning or organizing, which makes sense because if you can’t control some bigger things in life that are giving you fits (not Pfitz), exerting your control over smaller things can ease the stress.

For some people, it’s doing dishes. I’m one of those, because when you take a counter of chaos and transform it into organized cupboards and clean surfaces you bring order and prepare the potential for the next project in the kitchen. Plus, it looks so much nicer to see clean counters that that alone can increase your sense of peace. :-)
Other people clean the house, do laundry, reorganize their clothes closets, and that sort of thing, which is their way of bringing order to chaos. So not only do they regain their inner sense of peace, but they also improve their environment, which helps the people around them. My wife is one for organizing the basement or garage (depending where we’re storing things). She has a theory that a cluttered and disorganized basement creates tension and disorganization in the house and the family living above it. By organizing and cleaning the basement, she brings a sense of order to the whole house.

This week I discovered just how much I benefit from another task I’ve been working on. Back over the Christmas and New Year holidays, I reorganized my personal library of almost 1,200 books by assigning each book a call number according to the Dewey Decimal System (no, I’M not a librarian!). ;-) I’m using LibraryThing, which I totally love, and which I blogged about last year and the year before when I first found out about it.

Well, I last week I finally took advantage of one of the great features of LibraryThing: I exported my personal library catalog to Excel. I’d actually done this before, and printed out a nice shelf list, but this time I was grabbing the call numbers, which I used to “mail merge” into a template in MS Word and then print out on labels. This last week or so I’ve been taking a little free time each day to apply some labels to their books. I’m about 3/4 done now and the books look great on the shelves. Clean and neat and organized. And if I or anyone else takes a book off the shelf, it will be clear where it belongs. (Yes, I’m teaching my children how to reshelve.) For some people, it’s no big deal to have books in loose categories on shelves or even just wherever they land, but that’s not something I can abide. It’s kind of like being in an auditorium and sitting behind someone who has their shirt collar tag sticking out. I just HAVE to fix it. :-)
I’ve discovered that for me this is a great way to increase my sense of order and peace within the house and within myself. It’s almost a cathartic feeling to watch order being imposed on my bookshelves. (By the way, if you’re interested in the concepts of Order and Chaos, L.E. Modesitt, Jr. has a series of fantasy-type books called The Saga of Recluce, which introduces us to a world where order and chaos are the basis for magic. VERY interesting concepts and well-written books.) And for those of you who might be interested, here’s a link to my catalog in LibraryThing.

So, what do YOU do to regain a sense of control, order, and/or peace in your home? Leave a comment and share with us.

There’s a book that my high school German teacher read to us (or allowed us to read) that I recently decided to try to find. It’s 80 years old and pretty hard to find, but I got a first edition for a great price at AbeBooks. It’s called Gemixte Pickles, by K.M.S. (yes, that’s all the name we have, but by further searching in library databases I found out it stands for Kurt M. Stein).

It’s a very funny book of poetry in a sort of Anglicized German (or maybe Germanicized English). For anyone who has studied German, it’s pretty funny and very creative, but it takes a little getting used to. After you’ve read some of the poems, you get the feel for it and it gets easier. Here’s a sample of one of the poems:

Der Arme Fido

Der Fido war a guter Hund,
Polite und hausgebrochen.
Er konnte Tricks von aller Art
Und war in general sehr shmart
Und glich gern Chickenknochen.

Sei Mistress nahm ihn regular
Um zwei P.M. spazieren.
Er trotte mit wie ‘n Gentleman
Except, er tat, shust now und denn,
A Lampost inspizieren.

Sie hatt’ ihn von a Pup geraist.
So Loff is sinful, maybe,
But sie war crazy über ihn.
(Sie war a Maiden-lady, lean,
Und hatte auch kei Baby.)

Well, Hundenature die iss queer
Und Spring die Time von Passion.
Er sah von fern a lady Spitz,
Vergas sei Ma, und wie der Blitz
Wollt er hin zu ihr dashen.

Doch ach, da kam a Limousine
Am Boulevard geshpeedet.
Der Showfer tooteteh sei Horn,
But Fido lässt, in Thought verlorn,
Die Warnung ungeheedet.

Er sehft noch diesmal, Gott sei Dank,
Sei Leben vor dem Shpeeder;
But, Kinder, freut euch net zu früh:
Sei schöner Tail der is perdu.
Er waggt ihn niemals wieder.

Da hängt a Moral bei dem Tale.
Die Truth lässt sich net dodgeh:
Zu hasty sein, dass iss a Fault.
Man muss, auch wenn die Liebe called,
Den Traffic careful watcheh.

If this sounds funny to you, you’ll love the book! AbeBooks still has a few copies left.

Next Page »



Caffeine theme by Jon Emmons in association with MasterWish.com