Coffee Klatch

The fight between good and evil, an epic battle: Darth Vader and Luke.

Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

Luke exclaims “But how?!?!?”

“It’s true Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”

Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming, “How?! How could you know this?!”

Vader replies, “I felt your presents.”

Luke: “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

• Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
• We three kings of porridge and tar
• On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
• Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
• He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.
• Noel, Noel. Barney’s the king of Israel.
• With the jelly toast proclaim
• Olive, the other reindeer.
• Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
• Sleep in heavenly peas
• In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
• You’ll go down in listerine
• Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
• Come, froggy faithful
• You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
• Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

I did post this a couple years ago, but it’s really funny and is worth sharing again.

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving
Emily
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Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,
Emily
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My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some.
Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted Emily
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Dearest Edward, Dec 28

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily
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Dearest Edward, Dec 29

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,
Emily
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Dear Edward, Dec 30

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?

Love,
Emily
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Edward, Dec 31

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
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Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.

Emily
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Look here, Edward, Jan 2

This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragoes, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily
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Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily
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Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied.
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Sir, Jan 5

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

Here is a list of reasons why women would love being Santa Claus.

1. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert’s and consider it a job requirement.
4. One big black belt – accessorized for life!
5. There’d be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled… that is when you giggled… like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
9. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’, would remind everyone who’s boss.
10. You wouldn’t need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine… you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14. You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You’d be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.
18. You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they’d better not pout.

I know I posted this on my blog last year, but it’s just too funny and it digs at all the issues that are now involved with planning a Christmas party in a general office setting. Enjoy!

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Holiday Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present, no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,”AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party; the days are so short this time of year: or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing is allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything??!!

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks.

Okay???

Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!

You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung by your eyelids from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. You hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

Your H.R. Nightmare!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay!

Happy Holidays!