Coffee Klatch

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.

“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”
“Noooooooooo,” replies the anteater.

“Then how about a gin and tonic?”
“Noooooooooo.”

“A martini?”
“Noooooooooo.”

Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking – why the long no’s?”

Okay, so there is this TV commercial for American Family Insurance that gives a phone number to call.

1-800-MyAmFam

And every time they say it I just bust out laughing, because it always sounds like they’re going to say “1-800-My Aunt Fanny.”

Dear Santa,

We’re worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have “a clear-cut case of rosacea,” a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your “cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.” Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion… all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr. Litt’s message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We’ve seen the pictures; we’ve noticed you in the malls. And we’ve heard that your tummy shakes “like a bowlful of jelly” when you chuckle. On this, we’ll take part of the blame. All these years, we’ve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it’s time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING: You’ve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it’s only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said “the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.” According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a non-smoker’s risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe’s just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you’re not just a saint, you’re a role model.

STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news A medical news service says laughter–as evidenced by your trademark “Ho, ho, ho”–is one of the best stress-busters going.

SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we’ve noticed you’re also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that’s good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE: It’s been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, don’t you?

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We’ve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we’d sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load.

JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

SKYJACKERS: Okay, you’ve been lucky so far, but they’re out there. Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you’re still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don’t you?

Sincerely,
Jack Brown
Seattle, Washington

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBANDS DON’T (typically) WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9. Any knick-knack

8. Tickets to the ballet

7. Another new tie

6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5. New teddy bear pajamas

4. Vacuum cleaner

3. A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2. A nose and ear hair trimmer

1. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIVES DON’T (typically) WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

The Eight Days of Hanukkah can be sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

Note: The words “my true love” can be replaced with the Yiddish “mein Liebchen.”

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

PS: For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of
Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of
eshkoliot (grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and
8 greps.

For all you “music nerds” out there.

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bath­room, saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh mi­nor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp to­night. Come on in, this could be a major development.”
Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and ev­erything else, and is au naturel. Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Yesterday I posed a question of Facebook that asked what your favorite Christmas movie was. I used the situation of losing access to all television and only being able to choose one movie. I had 24 responses and here is the breakdown.

White Christmas – 5
A Christmas Story – 3
It’s a Wonderful Life – 3
Elf – 2
The Muppet Christmas Carol – 2
Scrooge (1970) – 2
An American Christmas Carol – 1
A Charlie Brown Christmas – 1
The Christmas Box – 1
Holiday Inn – 2 honorable mentions, but not first for anyone
How the Grinch Stole Christmas – 1
The Polar Express – 1
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – 1
Santa’s Slay – 1 (Thanks, SJ!)

For myself, I’m torn between Elf, A Christmas Story, and It’s A Wonderful Life. I don’t watch that last one very often, but if I could only have one movie, I’d have to consider it. Oh, and A Christmas Carol from 1999 starring Patrick Stewart. That was fantastic!

Some kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta.

Jesus was born because Mary had a immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which in another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Here is a test to see if you are a grinch (or is that a Grinch?). Total up how many points you earn as you go through the test.

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you also put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa, add 10 points)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige store’s box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points; 10 if from a cell phone claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own. (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Taking toys from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins, which is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100:

20-30:  You’re just a cheeseball.
30-50:  You’re an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted for overdue parking tickets.
50-100:  Grinch, move over!