Today thanks to a friend on Facebook, I found out THE MUPPETS did Bohemian Rhapsody also! What a riot! And they changed most of the words, so that took care of any questionable issues that would have arisen from the combination of Queen and Muppets. Here you go:
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private,” meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either.
You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don’t have any computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list and then delete all the files from your hard drive.
I’ve been thinking about flu medicine lately. Probably because I’ve had the flu since Sunday and all three of my boys have been home this week.
Anyway, when you think about flu medicine, you probably think of Tamiflu or medicines that have “Cold/Flu” in their name. When you compare the ingredients, though, these are mostly cold medicines with pain reliever added.
So what should you do if you have the flu but no cold symptoms? Take medicines to treat your symptoms (like usual). Take some Acetaminophen and some digestive aids if you need them. I’ve been using Pepto-Bismol (or equivalents) and Papaya, which contains digestive enzymes and comes in chewable pills.
I’m not sure what makes the prescription version of Tamiflu different from the over-the-counter version, but that would be the only reason to seek out a specific flu medicine.
When I became Catholic a couple years ago, one of the things that took a little time was learning all the congregational responses during the liturgy of the mass. Many things are led by the cantor and you can figure out when you sing and when you don’t if you just watch, but there are some interactions between the priest and the congregation and some things that the congregation says all together (like the Nicene Creed) that just take a little time to learn.
After going through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults), I put together a one-page legal-sized sheet (that you fold in half like a little booklet) for anyone who wants a “cheat sheet” to follow along. It covers everything the congregation says or sings during the mass.
If you’re visiting a Catholic church or just want to know more about how the mass works, you’re welcome to grab a copy of my handout. It have a link in the right sidebar but you can also follow this link: Basic Texts of the Catholic Mass.
The unfortunate summary message of the Wizard of Oz is summed by Dorothy’s statement:
Well, I – I think that it – it wasn’t enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em – and it’s that – if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with!
Oh, but anyway, Toto, we’re home. Home! And this is my room, and you’re all here. And I’m not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and – oh, Auntie Em – there’s no place like home!
The final line, “there’s no place like home” says it also, but her explanation is really unfortunate. It’s like she’s saying that all you’ll ever truly want is what you already have. Or don’t dream bigger than your current boundaries. Your heart’s desire is what you’ve always had.
Talk about discouraging growth, learning, and expanding your horizons! I suppose it could be a pre-WW2 midwest U.S. mentality. “Why leave and go to the city? All you’ll find is heartache.” Your true heart’s desire is right here with us.
That’s the one part of the Wizard of Oz that I dislike. The whole point of the movie gets summed up with the idea that people should stay where they are and be content with what they already have.
The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes…
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Maria
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
–Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
–Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
–Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
“You guys line up alphabetically by height”.
–Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
–Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
“I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class.”
–George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
–Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
– Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
I have had a horrible case of Laryngitis for the past 8 days. I’m working hard to get over it. I have only had a little bit of voice for one day really. VERY frustrating. Then last Tuesday I was SO hungry — and had NO money with me — that I decided to stop at Carl’s Jr. fast food for lunch. (They take ATM’s.) I got inside and realized I would not be able to order easily without a voice, so I grabbed a napkin and wrote on it:
LARYNGITIS
(underlined and bold)
Under that I wrote #18 (combo) & Medium Drink
I walked up to the counter and stood before a young lady that appeared to have been gifted with fewer brain cells than most. (Just a hunch.) I thought this might go badly. I handed her the napkin.
She looked past the napkin to my face and said, “To go or for here?”
I mouthed, “To go.”
She said, “What???”
This was not going to work. Again, I lifted the napkin to hand it to her. She repeated, “Is this to go or for here???” Frustrated, I began to WAVE the napkin in her face like a flag of surrender. She finally took it from my hand. She looked at my note and then, a bit indignant, looked right at me and said, “MA’AM, we don’t HAVE large nachos.”
Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to laugh hysterically without a voice? Suddenly I realized I was suffering from a bad case of LARGE NACHOS… not Laryngitis!!!! Oh my. But wait, the best is yet to come. As I’m shaking my head, she turns to the girl next to her and says, “Do we have large nachos?”
The other girl reads my note and says, “I think she can’t talk. Just ring up an 18 and a drink.” So she does.
But she continues the order process by looking down, away from me. I’m becoming a bit baffled at her lack of attention…till I realize she has a pen in her hand and is writing something on the napkin:
CHICKEN BEEF or PORK?
At this point I begin pounding on the counter to get her attention. She finally looks up at me and says, “WHAT?!”
I frantically point to my ears and mouth these words, “I CAN HEAR!!!!”
To which she begins to reply in writing again!!
I tapped her on the shoulder this time and mouthed again, “REALLY! I CAN HEAR! TALK TO ME!!!”
She became upset and said, “Well, I didn’t want you to have to say yes or no,” to which I replied (mouthing again), “I CAN NOD!!!!”
She took my money, handed me an order number and was done with me. All without speaking or saying thank you or even looking at me.
After all, I had a bad case of large nachos and certainly could not understand anything she might say to me.
Are you a fan of Bacon? So is Archie McPhee! I just received the current Archie McPhee catalog in the mail and here is a list of things you can buy related to bacon:
Other items on their website include a bacon lunchbox, a bacon placemat, an I Love Meat bacon wristband, and an action figure of St. Anthony, the Patron Saint of Bacon!
Na
