“When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?’”
~ Quentin Crisp

“I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!”
~ Monty Python

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
~ George Carlin

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”
~ John F. Kennedy

“Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.”
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”
~ David Letterman

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
~ Johnny Carson

“I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
~ A Bit of Fry and Laurie

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
~ In the August 1993 issue (page 9) of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

“Don’t worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.”
~ Old Farmer’s Almanac

“The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.”
~ Plutarch

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.”
~ Salvador Dali

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”
~ Mark Twain

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’”
~ Charlie Brown

Calvin: “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. ”
Hobbes: “Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?”