Coffee Klatch

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a…

Are you ready for this?

These are from a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” (from Saturday Night Live).

HONORABLE MENTIONS
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: “A TRUCK!!”

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words “dot com” to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP
I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF…

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.
~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
~ You used to drag “main.”
~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
~ You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn’t (same goes with the game warden).
~ You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.
~ School gets canceled for state events.
~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
~ You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
~ It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
~ You had senior skip day.
~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
~ You don’t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks east Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).
~ The golf course had only 9 holes.
~ You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.
~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
~ The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty,” but is actually just like your town.
~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the “rich people.”
~ The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.
~ You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
~ Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
~ You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
~ You know what 4-H is.
~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.
~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
~ You can charge at all the local stores.
~ The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away.
~ So is the closest mall.
~ It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small, bespectacled, wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him was his dog: a small, feisty Mexican Chihuahua.

He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog. He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished, he got down from the counter, paid his bill, and walked out of the diner with his dog.

A few moments later the small man returned and timidly asked, “Does anyone in here own a Doberman?”

The roughest of the truck drivers rose and walked over to the little man, saying, “Yeah, the Dobie’s mine. What about it?”

The little guy replied, “I’m afraid my dog just killed your dog.”

The truck driver bellowed, “How could YOUR dumb excuse for a dog possibly have killed MY dog?”

The little man responded, “Well, your dog choked on him.”

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a slip-shod place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay… John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

Today I found a free online personality test that is based on the Myers-Briggs personality types. I tried it and it’s very good. Of course, you can pay for a report that gives you much more detail, but even the free version is quite nice. There is a total of 84 questions that approach the issue from a couple different perspectives, helping the test be more accurate.

Check it out at CareerPlanner.com

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, “Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

She turned to the other Brother and said, “Then you must be…?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so — I am the chip monk.”

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Wendy’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to Wendy’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to Wendy’s with me to have dinner?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”

Recent research has discovered that long-necked dinosaurs held their necks horizontally rather than vertically. As this article says, more like a horse than a giraffe (see the picture).

There are quite a few reasons why scientists have concluded this, but a couple quick summary reasons are that their hearts would have had to have been tons larger and stronger to pump blood up that high, and that they would have had to spend half their energy just holding their heads up.

To generate high enough blood pressure to keep its head held high [over 36 feet higher than its heart], the dinosaur’s heart would have needed to have been five times thicker and 15 times heavier than that of an animal with more average blood pressure, according to the study.

Discovery News has the whole article which is really interesting. It’s only two pages, so you really should read it. They also state that we can probably expect to see these long-necked dinosaurs changing their appearance in future movies, books, etc.