Coffee Klatch

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
“What the heck are you?” asks the host.
“I’m a snail,” says the guy.
“But… you have a girl on your back,” replies the host.
“Yeah,” he says. “That’s Michelle!”

Here is a quote from Pope John Paul II, which is quite relevant today and which can’t help but color my voting decisions:

“Above all, the common outcry, which is justly made on behalf of human rights—for example, the right to health, to home, to work, to family, to culture—is false and illusory if the right to life, the most basic and fundamental right and the condition for all other personal rights, is not defended with maximum determination.”

(Christifideles Laici, no. 38)

Here are some riddles to help you celebrate this week. Most of these are really bad jokes or riddles, so this is an official GROANER ALERT!

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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite…

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What’s a ghost’s favorite Mother Goose Story?
Little Boo Peep…

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What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…

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Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuums are too heavy…

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What room can’t a ghost go in?
The Living Room…

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Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…

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Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite…

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Where do vampires put their money?
Blood Banks…

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What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball…

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What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end…

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What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein…

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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

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What do naughty ghosts use in school?
Cheat sheets…

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What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello - Hello - Hello!

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What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer…

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What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs…

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Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They’re too wrapped up in themselves…

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What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends…

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What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts…

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What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel…

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What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane…

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What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?
Bloodhounds…

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What is a ghoul’s favorite slurpee?
Lemon-slime…

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What will a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich…

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What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone…

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What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets…

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What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A girl with very high blood pressure…

Here are some strategies to confuse trick-or-treaters next week:

1. PARTY TIME
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

2. TIME TO FIX IT
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

3. SO WHO’S PAYING FOR IT
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

4. MARINE STYLE
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

5. THE WAITER:
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the entrée menu.

6. THE DENTIST
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

7. THE PILGRIM
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…. Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE…
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION…
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL…
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC…
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT…
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY…
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS…
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM…
“Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA…
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER…
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY…
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE…
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION…
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY…
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

And my all time favorite thing — JUSTICE…
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU. THEN you’ll see what it’s like.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section of his spread through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of his bull.

On the way to the courthouse, the attorney cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take just half of what he was asking, in cash.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the money, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success….

“You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won this case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. And the worst part is I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand.”

The old rancher chuckled. “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a mite worried about winning that case myself, because durned if that ole bull didn’t come moseyin’ back home this morning.”

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 2001. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A~Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Here are some tips on how to write a term paper. Geared primarily, I think, toward college students.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I really mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that ~~

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the TV Guide to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV (like Monday Night Football).

NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler’s Tour
b) Any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn’t watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your computer. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied: “You’re right. I’m sorry! It’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years”.

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What’s Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you’re like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.

Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know that the Plan’s Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can’t Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today’s most dedicated and highly-trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Hiking or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.

You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Gossiping
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Joshing
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Ribbing
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our website. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier knowing all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What’s Appropriate for Me?

We do. Isn’t that what friends are for?