The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants”, by Dave Pilkey. If you’re not familiar with these “Captain Underpants” books, you must not know any 7-11 year old boys. :-)

Anyway, the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names as part of his plan to take over the world. To find out YOUR new name, follow these instructions:

Use the first letter of your first name
to determine
your NEW first name:
__________
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa		 Use the first letter of your last name
to determine the first half of
your NEW last name:
__________
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker		 Use the last letter of your last name
to determine the second half of
your NEW last name:
__________
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example:
George Bush’s new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts.
Barack Obama = Lumpy Burgerhead
John McCain = Poopsie Bananachunks
And I’m Snotty Hamsterbuns! :-D