The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants”, by Dave Pilkey. If you’re not familiar with these “Captain Underpants” books, you must not know any 7-11 year old boys. 
Anyway, the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names as part of his plan to take over the world. To find out YOUR new name, follow these instructions:
| Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name: __________ a = stinky b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = poopsie k = flunky l = booger m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = falafel u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa |
Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name: __________ a = diaper b = toilet c = giggle d = bubble e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = burger p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker |
Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name: __________ a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice |
Thus, for example:
George Bush’s new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts.
Barack Obama = Lumpy Burgerhead
John McCain = Poopsie Bananachunks
And I’m Snotty Hamsterbuns! 
Na
