Coffee Klatch

About a year ago or so, I wrote an essay explaining the journey I’d been on for 5-6 years and how I’d ended up becoming Catholic. Since then, mostly due to my wife’s concerns, we spent 6-7 months attending an Orthodox Church (OCA) and sitting in on catechumen classes so as to learn more about Orthodox Christian faith and practice, as a possible alternative to Catholicism. This summer I spent quite a bit of time wrestling with the differences between East and West and figuring out where I needed to be. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I needed to remain Roman Catholic.

If you are curious at all about the process I went through and what I learned, I’ve updated the essay I wrote that explains my pilgrimage. This is the “short” version (only 17 pages of text in MS Word) since there is much more that could be said. It is available in a more or less “final” version at http://coffeeklatch.pfitzinger.net/essay/.

While it’s taken that much longer to decide in a more permanent sense where I needed to be, my knowledge of the Christian faith is broader and richer than it would have been otherwise and I’ve grown more because of it. If you have questions or are just curious about my story, I always welcome discussion, whether in the form of comments or other more discussion-based formats. But please do read my essay first, so you know where I’m coming from and what I’ve been through. After that, discussion would be great.

Here are some tips that not only apply to farm life, but to almost any life.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won’t stay milked.

Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don’t happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain’t helpful.

Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one, if one don’t eat.

Don’t corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don’t go huntin’ with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can’t unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

And don’t name a pig, calf or goat you plan to eat.

Honesty is the best policy…

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

The Way It Is…

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell”
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

“The Law of Common Sense”
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

“The Law of Volunteering”
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

“The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

“Weiler’s Law”
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

“The Law of Reality”
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

“Law of Probable Dispersal”
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

“Law of Volunteer Labor”
People are always available for work in the past tense.

“Conway’s Law”
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person will be fired.

“The Steel Law of Distribution”
They what has some… they gets more.

“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug.

“Law of Drunkenness”
You cannot fall off the floor.

“The Law of Management”
The first myth of good management is that it exists.

“Osborne’s Law”
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

“Washington’s Law”
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

“Cole’s Law”
Thinly-sliced cabbage.

Here is a list of the top ten signs that your cat has learned your password for getting on the Internet:

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like <<alt.recreational.catnip>>.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: <http://www.feline.com/>.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IM you’re known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Food for Thought…

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired! (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.” 

Capitalization can be tricky when you’re typing titles. I’ve been coming across this as I work through my MP3 collection, trying to standardize file names and metadata. Granted, citation styles like MLA and APA have their own rules for capitalizing within a paper and within the Works Cited page, but apart from that, there actually ARE some basic rules for capitalizing within a title. This may come up in your song titles or in a library catalog, to give a couple examples.

Writer’s Block has a webpage for Capitalization in Titles that explains how to capitalize. Here’s a summary:

1. Always capitalize the first and last words.
2. Capitalize all nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinate conjunctions (”as”, “because”, “although”).
3. Lowercase all articles, coordinate conjunctions (”and”, “or”, “nor”), and prepositions regardless of length, when they are other than the first or last word.
4. Lowercase the “to” in an infinitive.

There you go. To simplify, just DON’T capitalize prepositions, articles, and “and, or, nor” (unless they’re first or last words) and you’ll have it pretty much down.

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device–trade-named: B.O.O.K.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.

Here’s how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Q: How many listserv members does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1,343

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;

53 to flame the spell checkers;

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”; another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;

156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;

203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminate-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;

27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs;

14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL’s;

3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;

33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add “Me too”;

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;

19 to quote the “Me too”s to say “Me three”;

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;

44 to ask what is “FAQ”;

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago on that other list?”

143 to ask “what’s ‘the other list’?”

I actually found this website because it was featured in a commercial during the medal races for rowing in the Olympics today. FuelEconomy.gov is a site that is sponsored by the U.S. Department of Energy and which provides all kinds of information regarding automotive fuel efficiency. You can put cars side by side to compare their emissions, MPG, safety, etc.; find the lowest gas prices; get information about hybrid vehicles, and learn anything else you like about energy efficiency and renewable energy.