Thank You for Calling the Counseling Hotline!

Please listen carefully to the following simple instructions:

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If you have a Nervous Disorder, just fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

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If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

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If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

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If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

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If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Little People in Zone 8.

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If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and the voices will tell you which number to press.

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If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can finish tracing your call.

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If you have Amnesia, press 8…. Thank you. Please state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.