Coffee Klatch

Today I found a website that has pictures somebody Photoshopped to make resemble cartoons from Gary Larson’s The Far Side. Lots of really funny stuff. I think it’s pretty cool that some people used their creativity and technological knowhow (whether PhotoShop or art programs) to put together this homage to Larson and his comic strip, which is STILL one of my all-time favorites! The site is via Worth1000.com and was a contest where people submitted entries in the style of The Far Side in return for unlimited wealth and fame. Well, at least for a moment of glee.

Check it out!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said:” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said: “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Maynard,” she wrote the first son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Marvin,” she wrote to the next, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

In honor of Mother’s Day tomorrow, here’s a pfunny that shows how much we may respect our mothers and yet not understand them.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham”? And she replied, “I really don’t know, but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”

Later, when talking to her mother, she asked her why she always cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”

Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, it would never fit into my baking pan.”

One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world revolves around Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food.

According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have needed 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit.

Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars 11.8 miles long, just to bring water. They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water?

And another thing! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.

But, then, another problem… Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? I think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him.

Let us take courage–we have the same God! And we think our problems are so big.

When Reality Sets In

A “pfunny” about getting old(er)

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

9. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don’t recognize you.

16. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? It all depends on who you ask. Here are some of the responses:

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Current music: City Scape, by Jennifer Higdon

This is an oldie-but-goodie.

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Hymns vs. Praise Choruses

Some time ago an e-mail was circulating regarding the Protestant traditions of hymns and praise choruses. Well, someone has crafted a response to bring balance to the discussion.

First, the original:
___________________________
“An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well”, said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses?” asked his wife. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re OK. They’re sort of like hymns, but different,” said the farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The farmer said, “Well, it’s like this–if I were to say to you: ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well, that would be a hymn.

If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

‘Martha Martha, Martha,
Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows,
the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN’

Well, that would be a praise chorus.”

Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:

____________________________
A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend when he was traveling, he attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns,” said his wife. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re OK. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The young man said, “Well, it’s like this: If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well, that would be a
regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea, those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

“Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and do a key change on the last verse, well, that would be a hymn.”

Well, I’ve seen gas prices go up as high as $3.79 a gallon this week! It’s funny to think that it wasn’t that long ago that $2.79 would have looked horrendous. Now it would be hugely welcome!

And even at that high of a price, we’re still better off than much of the rest of the world. Considering how little of the raw materials we actually get from our own land, that IS pretty amazing.

According to a CNN/Money story, the cost in US Dollars for a gallon of gas in Amsterdam is $6.48!

Maybe you’d rather live in Cairo, where it’s only 65 CENTS per gallon! Wow!

Apparently much of Europe taxes their gasoline pretty heavily; sometimes it’s up to 75% of the cost of the fuel! It seems that the U.S. is somewhere in the middle pricewise worldwide. Maybe it’s not so bad, just that we’re not used to it. Click the link above to read more about gas prices around the world and what affects them.

Current music: The Rough Guide to Chicago Blues