One of my favorite comedians is Emo Phillips. He’s got a different sense of humor that sometimes makes you think for a minute. Intellectual humor has always been a favorite of mine and Emo is clever, witty, and usually dry. Here’s a link to his official website. He still travels around and does shows, so you can check his schedule on this site as well as get some great video clips and other humorous apparitions of Emo. There’s even a banner you can put on your website that cycles through various one-liners and even changes from time to time.

In the meantime, here are some of my favorite Emo Phillips quotes:

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”

I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

Winnipeg… sounds like a cheap contest for pirates!

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized, “Look what’s telling me that!”

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers… damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky… but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

I went into Gus’s artificial organ and taco stand. I said, “Give me a bladder, por favor.” The guy said, “Is that to go?” I said, “Well, what else would I want it for?”

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something…

…and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said “A truck!”

And last is a story Emo told that has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

If you want some video clips, visit http://www.emophilips.com/video/. Enjoy!