It’s been a while since I posted one of these lists from Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg’s book, The Book of Ratings, and there’s a TON of awfully funny material in it, so here’s a new list from the book.

Vampire Weaknesses

  • Garlic
    As a food, garlic gets an A+, but as the Achilles’ heel of bloodsucking undead predators, I dunno. It seems like an insult gone awry: “Gee, Hans, I don’t know how we’re going to stop this ‘vampire’ of yours. Have you tried breathing on it?” If vampires had been invented in our era, they might have been repelled by cell phones in restaurants or people who recite the entire plots of TV shows at parties. D+

  • Sunlight
    In the novel Dracula, sunlight doesn’t kill the title vamp, he’s just tired and listless during the day, which also applies to half the people I’ve worked with. Now, of course, this has evolved into current versions of spontaneous inhuman combustion in sunlight or at tanning salons. Which is, to be fair, much cooler. A

  • Crucifixes
    My main question is whether alternative cross-shaped items like railroad crossing signs or the American Lung Association logo would work. I’ve heard revisionist vampire tales in which it’s not the cross but the faith that does the work, and that anything that one considers sacred and awe-inspiring would work, which is why I carry a picture of Bjork with me at all times. C

  • Running Water
    Beware my Slip ‘n Slide, fanged demon! The idea that vampires can’t cross running water has largely been ignored in contemporary vampire literature because of the dumbness. The image of a vampire pacing the opposite bank of a river, fuming like Yosemite Sam because he can’t get to you, doesn’t fit the current psychoerotic take on filmdom’s most dapper monster. D

  • Stakes
    The method of making the undead dead varies widely, assuming “dump him in a sunny meadow” isn’t an option. In some milieu, a stake through the heart does the trick, while in others you have to stake the bloodsucker, chop his head off, stuff his mouth with garlic, and–on the Food Network–bake him at 350 degrees for forty-five minutes. Serves six. Calories per serving: 460. Calories from evil: 250. B

Current music: Scenes from The Louvre, by Norman Dello Joio