Coffee Klatch

I read a really good tip recently on Jeff Sickles’ blog. You know how Windows Updates will take care of getting you the latest patches and updates, but how it will do it on its own time and then keep pushing you to reboot your computer? I’m fine with needing to reboot my computer, but I HATE being forced to unless I click a “wait” button every ten minutes. Sometimes I want to finish what I’m working on first. How about you?

Well, Jeff shared the instructions for turning OFF that auto-restart function. You still should restart the computer at your earliest convenience, but if you don’t want to be forced to right away (or forced to keep clicking “not yet” every ten minutes), here’s what you need to do:

Instructions

1. Open a command prompt window (Start > Run )

2. Type cmd (just the three letters) into the box and click ‘OK’ or hit enter

3. In the black window type the remainder of this line: sc stop wuauserv

This command stops the service which popup the restart dialog. Now you can restart the operating system when you are done with your work. The auto update service will restart next time the computer reboots and will automatically downloads available updates.

There you go.

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a…

Are you ready for this?

Common Tater

This is the end of the Spring 2008 semester at Butler University. Final Exams begin tomorrow. It’s also the end of my first semester working on my Master’s in Music Composition. Tonight I did the presentation to accompany my final project for the Baroque Music History course I’m taking. Several people did a bit of “performance” along with talking about their project and what they learned. All in 10-12 minutes.

My project was an analysis of John Playford’s The Dancing Master, a book published by him in 1651 that had many English Country Dances in it. Each page had the melody of the music and all the steps and figures for that particular dance, which makes it unique as well as informative. It’s one of the earliest dance manuals and was very popular in its time, going through 18 different editions between 1651 and 1728.

I analyzed all 100+ dances, documenting all the characteristics of each dance, from time signature and tempo to each dance figure used in that particular dance. The result was a HUGE spreadsheet that I could sort in various ways, allowing me to discover characteristics and trends. For my presentation to the class, I discussed some basics of what I learned and spent most of my time actually TEACHING THEM A DANCE. We went outside, learned all the steps, and then I played a track from a CD by The Dragon Scale Consort. They’re a group from the Indianapolis area that plays music for dancing by members of the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA), so they play tempos and numbers of repetitions to fit how the songs are danced to in the SCA today. At least locally.

The class did very well. We had 4 males and 4 females, so it worked out quite nicely. I started with the instruction and then we played the music and I called the dance while they did it. It wasn’t particularly pretty, but it was a LOT of fun. Everybody was smiling and having a great time, even if they hadn’t been that keen on dancing. I was quite happy with how well it turned out. And everyone will remember more about my topic now than if they’d heard me just talk about it for 10 minutes. Pretty cool!

Current music: English Country Dances from Playford’s Dancing Master 1651-1703, by The Broadside Band

One of my favorite comedians is Emo Phillips. He’s got a different sense of humor that sometimes makes you think for a minute. Intellectual humor has always been a favorite of mine and Emo is clever, witty, and usually dry. Here’s a link to his official website. He still travels around and does shows, so you can check his schedule on this site as well as get some great video clips and other humorous apparitions of Emo. There’s even a banner you can put on your website that cycles through various one-liners and even changes from time to time.

In the meantime, here are some of my favorite Emo Phillips quotes:

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”

I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

Winnipeg… sounds like a cheap contest for pirates!

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized, “Look what’s telling me that!”

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers… damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky… but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

I went into Gus’s artificial organ and taco stand. I said, “Give me a bladder, por favor.” The guy said, “Is that to go?” I said, “Well, what else would I want it for?”

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something…

…and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said “A truck!”

And last is a story Emo told that has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

If you want some video clips, visit http://www.emophilips.com/video/. Enjoy!

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

“Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.”

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from?” asked the store manager.

“Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.”

“Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, “What team was she on?”

Current music: English Country Dances, by Bare Necessities

Facebook has a new chat function now. That must have been what they were installing when the servers were down for an hour two earlier this week.

While you’re in Facebook doing anything, you have a new little status bar at the bottom, with a box for your availability and another box that says how many of your friends are online. You can click that, pick their name, and chat with them right from within Facebook, without having to have any other program. Best of all, you can minimize the chat windows and you’ll get a tiny red box popping up with the number of unread messages you’ve received. That helps keep the chat box from getting in the way while you’re working on your next bingo in Scrabulous or whatever.

Kinda neat, seems to work well, and is a nice value-added feature.

My car got pollinated today! Normally, it’s a black Dodge Neon. When I walked out of work today, I noticed that it was a GREEN Dodge Neon! I was three or four cars from the end of the line and that’s where there was a landscaped area with a big tree that’s enjoying Spring too much. Over the course of the day, the breeze took the pollen from the tree and coated quite a few cars with it.

Even after driving on the highway, my care is STILL green! Well, black-ish green. The way some black clothes look after they’ve been washed too many times. Except Springier!

Twas the Night Before Finals

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns, a few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor would loosen their thinking.
In my own room I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at the notes, but my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades made in school.
When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.

His spirit was careless, his manner was mellow,
All of a sudden, he started to bellow.
“On Cliff’s notes, on Crib notes, On Last Year’s Exams.
On Wing-It and Sling-It and Last Minute Crams.”

His message delivered, he vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best,
Happy Finals to All, and to all a Good Test.”

Current music: Dances of Dowland, by Julian Bream

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message:

“Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.”

For those of you with finals approaching, here is an inside look at how professors grade their final exams:

Dept of Statistics:
All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Theology:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.

Dept of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.

Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

Current music: Orchesographie, by Thoinot Arbeau