It’s time for another humorous excerpt from Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg’s book: The Book of Ratings: Opinions, Grades, & Assessments of Everything Worth Thinking About. (BUY THIS BOOK! IT’S HILARIOUS!) Today’s topic: Ninja Weapons!

Ninja Weapons

  • [tag]Nunchucks[/tag]
    These were the weapon of choice for misanthropic youths with rich fantasy lives in my junior high. They didn’t actually fight with them, of course–that would have involved wonking themselves on the head repeatedly–but they owned a pair. Or more. The reason for this, I suspect, is simply that while hardware stores don’t have a “ninja sword” section, they do carry chains, dowels, and black paint. C-
  • Throwing Stars
    These combine the mystery of ninja death-dealing with the free wheeling fun of Frisbee, a classic chocolate-and-peanut-butter situation. (”You got Shogun on my Frisbee! You got Frisbee in my Shogun!”) They’re also great for the movies, because they require no special effects or skill on the part of the thespian-cum-assassin. Shot one: Ninja throws throwing stars. We hear a thwip thwip thunk thunk sound. Shot two: Victim has been punctured and/or pinned to the wall by his clothes. It makes Bewitched look like a special-effects spectacular by comparison. A
  • Oreo O’s
    All right, this isn’t a ninja weapon. It is, rather, a breakfast cereal. But, I’m not going to be doing another cereal rating for a while, and I wanted to get the word out now. This stuff is just insane. It’s mind-cloudingly wonderful. It’s a breakfast cereal that tastes just like Oreos! It’s uncanny! You pour it in the bowl, you add milk, and boom, you’re eating Oreos. It looks a little weird–the O’s are dark brown with little flecks of “Stuf,” like a film negative of Apple Jacks–but it’s just indescribably fantastic. I have a history of falling in love with cereals that get pulled off the market shortly thereafter (Smurfberry Crunch comes to mind), so I advise you to get it while you can, stockpiling it militia-style if necessary. A+ Okay, back to the ninjas.
  • Long Chains with a Hook at the End
    This seems a little unnecessarily complicated for ninja, the masters of the “hide, strike, fade into the night” triathlon. Change that to “hide, jump out, throw a chain so that it wraps around your opponent’s legs, yank him toward you, poke him with the hook a few times, then fade into the night” and you’ve lost a lot of the mystique. Add to that the fact that in the movies, characters normally only get the whole chain routine so that the filmmaker can show that the character can defeat even the dreaded chain, which would be impressive except for the fact that the dreaded chain never seems to do much. D
  • [tag]Swords[/tag]
    Oh, I’m sure there are all sorts of names for all sorts of swords that your better ninja might be carrying, but they’re all ninja swords, and that’s what’s important. Swords are the second most important aspect of ninja cinema, right after those little footy socks with the big toe in its own little section. You whack them with the sword, then you kick them with the footy sock; it’s all part of the plan. B+
  • Smoke Bombs
    Okay, I lied. Swords are the third most important aspect of ninja cinema. Even with your sword and your footy socks, you just aren’t a ninja without your smoke bombs. You can’t get in the ninja clubs, you don’t get your 10 percent ninja discount at Denny’s, and you can’t invest pretax income in the ninja 401(k) plan. A

[tags]ninjas, cinema, martial arts, movies, humor, weapons[/tags]