Coffee Klatch

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Canada. This is a tremendously funny Pfunny — especially if you read it aloud to a friend!

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

The scorecards from the event:
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Chili #1 – Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili #2 – Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
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Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili #3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA! I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili #4 – Bubba’s Black Magic
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Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili #5 – Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
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Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

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Chili #6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

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Chili #7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. The heck with it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili #8 – Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West hopping on three legs. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who posted 10 different puns on his blog, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make his friends laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Here is a list of things I wish I’d known before I went out in the Real World. (Okay, I didn’t come up with these, but they’re still true.)

~ Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Thank you” though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

~ Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud.

~ Know who and where you are.

~ When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

~ Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

~ If you tell a lie, don’t believe it deceives only the other person.

~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right.”

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. [MY FAVORITE!]

~ When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

~ If he or she says that you are too good for him — believe it.

~ I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month from now? One week? One day?”

~ If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

~ Living well really is the best revenge.

~ Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

~ Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand.

~ Work is good, but it’s not important.

~ Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

~ A person needs only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.

~ You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

~ And finally…

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

This is just too cool not to share on my blog. Bobby McFerrin was part of the World Science Festival last summer where he participated in a talk called “Notes and Neurons: In Search of a Common Chorus.” In this video clip, he demonstrates the power of the Pentatonic Scale through audience participation.

Weird Al Yankovic wrote a spoof on a song called “Ridin’ Dirty” and he called it “White & Nerdy.” It’s very funny and stars Donny Osmond dancing (not singing). I’ve included the video below, but down below that video is another. It’s the “green screen” version where you can see Al singing and Donny Osmond dancing for the whole song. Talk about “white and nerdy!” How funny!!

And here’s the one where you can see Donny Osmond being just hilarious!!

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”

~ In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

So this guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I will turn back into a beautiful princess and then I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog piped up again and saying, “Hey, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it once again to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Come on… Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I work for a software company. I don’t really have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is way cool!”

For those who’ve wondered about the difference in sizes of mattresses, I’ve posted them here to make them easier for people to find. They’re listed below from smallest to largest.

Mattress Sizes

Crib Size: 28″ x 52″

Twin Size: 39″ x 75″

Long Twin Size: 36″ x 80″

Full Size: 54″ x 75″

Queen Size: 60″ x 80″

King Size: 76″ x 80″

California King Size: 72″ x 84″

Are you looking for something new and interesting to use for your computer’s desktop wallpaper? I found a site today that has loads of free, high-quality images. It’s at VeryVeryFun.com. The search that took me to this site was looking for pictures of places in Europe. There is a very nice collection of Europe HD Wallpapers at this site, as well as lots of images in other categories, too.

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said “No, have a seat.” A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said “No, they’re all at the funeral.”